The MattS Patented Boat-Buying Gambit

[Guest]

Repeated, at request of GW and others

It's that boatshow time of year, and lots of you are considering buying a boat. Unfortunately, the other half may not concur with your ideas. Or will they? There must be lots of people who buy a boat smaller or older than they would like, so that "their" hobby doesn't impinge on the lifestyle of their partner - only to discover later that s/he would have been much happier in a larger or more luxurious craft.

So what to do? Order the dream machine and hang the consequences? - but that would be somewhat awful and uncaring. Or discuss the issue with your partner - but there could easily be misunderstandings.

To solve the dilemma, here is the MattS Patented Boatbuying Gambit. I urge you all to try it. Note that you don't need to actually buy a boat, and can abort fairly easily at any stage - blaming a poor survey or whatever. The result will still be fascinating.

How it works.

1. Preparation. Decide on a boat, two or three times what you can sensibly afford. Find an advert for said boat in the UK- if new, a sales outlet, if second hand then a marina not too far away. Learn the details of this boat (length, no of cabins) and the price. Agonise (pleasantly, to self surrounded by mags) for several evenings, but on no account try any persuasion regarding megaboat. Revise the fine details of a dream boat. Fine details are : a) the external colour b) the colour of the carpets. The answers to these are a)"blue", and b)" contrasting purpley deep blue carpet inside"

2 Then one night, arrive home in mental turmoil. Oh dear, I'm so sorry dear. What? Well, I know I shouldn't have but I've gone and put a deposit down on a (£x thousand/million) pound boat, I don't really know what I was thinking and I'm not sure how we'll manage.

3. Shut up and await her response.

EITHER
4a: She goes ape, theatens dire consequences
OR
4b: she says, Well, um there's that er money I hadn't really wanted to mention etc, and I suppose we don't need to etc ... anyway, this boat WHAT'S IT LIKE? Your answer is "blue outside, with contrasting purpley deep blue carpet on the inside". She's hooked. You can dish out all other details of what it is and where etc for realism. If it goes really well, mention that some aspects can be changed to suit.

If it's 4a, then run outside and burble into the mobile phone and pretend you've cancelled it. But usually, it's answer 4b! Hooray! So you can order it (or similar) for real!

Which is why we have a rather over-ambitious boat, and live in a rabbit hutch. Do please post your results.

 

[jimbo]

Your tale is a lesson to us all! I am truely amazed that you are still alive and intact.

If I try your method and I end up in hospital are you going to come visit me to tell me where I went wrong?

 

[ccscott49]

Of all the halfbaked ideas, I've heard! Its brilliant! You seem to have this male female thing tied down to a tee, fancy going on the lecture circuit? Colin.

 

[stewart]

The great conundrum

OK, makes sense, but can anyine explain this? I read many posts of the type "got to buy small boat / can't persuade other half we need a boat / wife insists on nice stylish (!) aft cabin / etc etc". All no doubt very sensible.

Here's the thing though - talk about boats (ideally not deliberating on different engine types!) or look at boats at marina, brokers or boat show with most young attractive women and they all want the biggest sexiest open Sunseeker or similar. Not too many say "I'd like a nice small aft cabin". So what changes later? Personally I have the luxury of not having to answer to a wife at present, so it's a bit of a mystery. I also have it on good authority that many other major benefits of having company of opposite sex become significantly less common/interesting once a gold band is placed on a certain finger.

So what happens? Why the change? OK, not strictly a boating question but sure seems to have a big effect on life on the ocean wave for many contributors.

 

[Guest]

Name Calling

Has anyone ever called you a "Male chauvinist pig"?

 

[Guest]

Re: Name Calling

ooh several. But in this politically correct world, there's hardly an opinion or an idea that doesn't lay one open to one label or another.

I'm sure that there's a female version of the idea, praps used for other means. My wife, for example (before we were married) once said "I bet you think that if you asked me to marry you, that I'd say No". Ooh no I don't. "Go on then" she said. So I did.

 

[Guest]

Re: The great conundrum

Praps the problem is limited to those who didn't go and buy the massive sunseeker? Agreed that it does seem (again, from totally non-scientific survey) that large numbers of SOH's none too keen on boating.

 

[stewart]

Re: The great conundrum

..... and yet I haven't come across any member of the opposite sex who hasn't been embarrisingly keen to spend a weekend(s) on a boat in the sun. So what changes, where does the enthusiasm go?

 

[Guest]

Re: The great conundrum

We're getting somewhere. Young wifey wants fab boat, cautious bloke buys sensible tub. Wifey realises boat nowhere near as nice as house, so prefers home, especially since small boat bit scary in large sea. This drastically reduces funds that can justifiably be spent on "his" hobby?

Pauline types excepted from this who would simply trade in boat for something decent while he's out.

 

[stewart]

Re: The great conundrum

So it's actually a male problem then, a matter of not fulfilling her dreams and expectations, not making the effort one used to and having one that's too small (er, I think we're still on the subject of boats here). At this point I feel compelled to reiterate that I'm not married.

So go out there, be bold, be adventurous, buy something big and sexy (which will impress her friends as well as yours) and things should go well (providing bankruptcy is also avoided).

I must admit I do have a great deal of sympathy with those significant others who endure far too many weekends cooped up in a small boat in rain and bad weather in the UK - unless you're seriously into boating I can't see the fun in that either.

 

[Guest]

It won't. Remeber, you only have to *pretend* to be buying a boat. The first time I tried this I was quite shocked at how well it went, and I hadn't quite learnt enuf about the boat that I was pretending to have bought.

 

[Guest]

As I am a partner in a large partnership and do not have the protection of limited liability afforded to any normal businessman, I live in my wife's house, drive my wife's car, sail (at least sailed as she is sold) my wife's boat all because of the inclination of you lot out there to sue your accountant when the slightest thing goes wrong from acquiring a pig in poke company to hiring a crooked finance director.

So I have to work hard at making sure she still loves me!
(Incidentally, my solicitor told me that I was much more likely to be divorced than go bust)

Accordingly, your gambit does not work for a kept man like me. Instead, I take the boss with me when I have narrowed the hunt a bit. I usually include in the possibles something really grotty but larger than I really want (bit of a contradiction there!) and make noises about it only being cosmetic - I am sure that the toilet will clean up if I can get it to flush - its only a little bit of grease on the cooker - I'll make sure all the stuff down the back of the cooker is dead - I am sure a bit of carpet cleaner will get the oil/wine/tomato sauce/unidentified grunge out - and similar.

You then take her to the nice boat and tell her how boring it would be to have something where everything worked and the bunks did'nt make you itch!
Eventually you will be asked "How much extra would this be?" "Well a bit but not that much I suppose" (the extra can come out of the well hidden "boat account" at the bank). Deal's done!

No need to lie more than a little bit and peace and harmony maintained as she has had her way!

Variation on a theme I suppose.

Nick

 

[Guest]

Well just wondering

Had to mention the obvious. Enjoyed your scheme. I'm sure that you are right. It all adds to lifes rich tapestry. ;-)

 

[BarryD]

Excellent scheme - I shall have to give it a whirl. Although as 'er indoors owns an estate agency I might find my intended purchase whittled down to a row boat with a part share in an old 2hp Seagull. Which natrually I will pay her a big chunk of commission on...

Barry D.

 

[Guest]

Hagar The Horrible

Cartoon in today's Sun (shows my intellectual level eh?)

Boy to father, "Dad, I hear Mom talk about making a long term commitment - what does that mean?"

Father, " It's when you buy a big boat with no down payment and take out a ten year loan to pay for it"

Sounds distinctly like your scheme. Fame at last eh Matt?

 

[Deleted User YDKXO]

Unfortunately, there's a 4(c) and it goes something like this.......'So, you want to spend £ X,000 on a new boat/car/bike (delete as applicable), well thats fine, dear as long as I can spend the same amount on something I want'...........
Recent trade-offs have included

New bike = pond in garden(yes, really)
New car = new kitchen
New boat = new house

I did try buying a new boat once without telling her and presented it as a fait accompli but that just resulted in 'er indoors decamping to mother-in-law with What Divorce magazine and no sex for weeks

 

[Guest]

Re: dreadful

I am most upset to hear your dreadful predicament.

However, under close cross-examination Mrs S admitted that her shoes cost ninety quid. Ninety quid! Just for one pair! And sometimes shes gets a few at one time, so she must be spending easily more than 300 quid a year. In her defence she protested that mine cost 200 but they have lasted for yonks, not ten minutes, so the court disregarded her statement. I wonder if you could work this into the balanced budget regime?

Also, consider buying cheap jewellery and then a loaf of bread from Harrods for the nice bag, discard bread , then go to Hatton Garden to collect "all about diamonds" leaflets, pay huge cheque into secret boat account and then a day or so later present expensive gift costing many thousands. Leave next bank statement lying about for inspection. Hmm. I'm not using my full potential here, I'm off to get a job in What Divorce mag.

 

[Guest]

Re: appalled

...and Mrs S can't spot cheap jewellery a mile off? Mrs W freelances for De Beers: a glance is all that is required. I think she secretly had a loupe permanently installed in one eye.

 

[BarryD]

Re: appalled

Lucky types, Mrs D has a complete chemical analysis factory including micro weight scales and electron microscope in her left hand. The right hand is of course kept clear to deliver a suitable slap if I've tried to buy cheap stuff. She is OK on shoes but black boots puzzle me - exactly how many shades of black can there be?

Barry D.

 

[Guest]

Re: appalled

Don't be daft. Black is the new Black, I've heard. Even Fairline are planning to build Phantoms in Very Pale Black (used to be known as white, but white is so passe now).