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byron

byron

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This is a serious question and I only desire serious answers. Hopefully the results of this Survey will be purchased by IPC and published in all of their Titles.

When sitting in a chair and wishining to pass wind, do you



A. Lean to the left

B. Lean to the Right

C. Lean either way (Ambifartrous)

D. Lean Forward

E. Lean Backwards


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Personally 'C'

Whatever tickles my fancy...



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Petrol Rules..
 
Non of the above. Having 2 children and teaching them good social manners I have devised a way so as not to draw attention to the act of bottom burps!

Basically. When feeling the gases building for a rapid exit. You manouvre buttock cheeks as far to either side on the chair as poss. It feels a little uncomfortable until you get used to it. So when the gases exit with considerable force theres no skin on skin contact. Not contact means no flapping. No flapping no noise. No embaressment.

Please not though. This method should only be practiced on fabric covered chairs. The effect if carried out on leather chairs can be quiet alarming. For once the pressure as subsided and the act complete. Physics takes over. A partial vacum is formed thus sucking the person onto the chair. From past experience you can be held to the spot for upto 10 mins.

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D, helps to ensure the most decibels.

However, I have to be careful when sitting in the bath with the water jets on.

If you lean the wrong way, that wind-against-tide (twat) problem can result, and the heavy chop will bounce off all sides of the bath, splashing soap in your eyes.




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I used to work with a guy that had a shifting spanner clamped to his desk.

"This is my Farting Handle", he explained as he stood up, gripped it solidly and raised his right leg. /forums/images/icons/laugh.gif

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E and lift bum slightly off the chair /forums/images/icons/blush.gif

<hr width=100% size=1>Adrian
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Hmm. Interesting question and, imho, the answer is not always as simple as an either/or.

In arriving at a decision, I usually take into account a number of factors including wind direction and strength (both true and apparent), constituent components (for example, a sprout and pickled egg blast will require a different approach from the gentle sussurations of wet cabbage) and assembled audience, if any.

By and large, I favour (d), as providing the best posture, from the point of view of both effectiveness and aesthetics. However, BarryH’s “stealth” approach may be appropriate in company, and particularly in the presence of minors, (though it should not be attempted if there is any danger of a follow - through).

The alternative, if faced with an audience, is to brazen it out. In particular, brownie points can be gained by standing up, selecting the most attractive member of the opposite sex in the room and holding out your index finger to them, whilst requesting them to give it a firm tug. As they pull, release the gasses under pressure, using the embouchure of your buttocks to achieve a tuneful fusillade. This will impress your audience; particularly the women who will realise that their initial perceptions of you, as a man of taste and sensitivity, were justified. Subsequent offers of sexual favours are not uncommon in such circumstances.

Hope this helps.


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This is a boaty question because...

The ship's mate's name was Carter,
By 'ell he was a farter,
When the wind wouldn't blow,
And the ship wouldn't go,
They used Carter the farter to start 'er.

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This all reminds me of a third mate I once sailed with who had a penchant for lighting the expelled gases to great effect - I'm sure you've all seen it done. This particular officer would always drop his shorts first to achieve a greater blast.
Now, do you remember the Ronson Varaflame lighter? (this was some years ago), with the wheel for adjusting the flame ? You've probably got my drift by now ! Well, on this particular occasion the wheel must have adjusted itself while in his pocket. The resulting blast was really impressive, coupled with the afterglow of burning pubes and a very nasty red scorch mark on his meat and two veg !
He never did it again despite much pleading for an encore - its one of the best drink inspired exhibitions I've ever seen.

<hr width=100% size=1>Trev
 
I am fartidextrous...
I raise whichever cheek SWMBO is sitting nearest to, in order to direct said bottom burp in SWMBO's direction, I then give her a cheeky wink and proclaim, "its a love puff my dear".
It worked a treat when I first met her, but I was more sofffisticated then.

If we have company I raise both legs for better effect. Cool Yeah??

:-)

<hr width=100% size=1>Seasicksid... The artist formerly known as Syd
 
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