Something for the weekend, Sir?

[Amari]

As a bashful pensioner (OAP just about covers cost of boat), grateful for advice of forumites on how to buy condoms without blushing. The scenario is this:
I have bought a Spade aluminium anchor. The S/S machine screw(!) to fix the shaft(!) to the blade is covered with a rubber sleeve to prevent electrolytic action between the steel and aluminium. Trouble is sleeved screw is too thick to go through hole in blade. I phoned supplier who agreed this can be a problem. Thus I need thinner rubber sleeve and wonder if condom would do.
Now,, it is 45 years since I bought condoms. Had to ask for them in those days (no self service) and invariaably it was either a gently nurtured young lady or a stern matron in the chemist who served me. Spare my blushes!
So even though there is now self service I will still have to hand the item to the sales assistant and I fear stammering/blushing etc. /forums/images/graemlins/mad.gif
Grateful if forumites could suggest plausible form of words to explain why pensioner is in need of something for the weekend.
/forums/images/graemlins/cool.gif :

 

[bigwow]

Tell them you are in the SAS and need them to store water in while you are on manoeuvres.
/forums/images/graemlins/laugh.gif /forums/images/graemlins/laugh.gif

 

[Guest]

You could adopt the strategy of a friend. He wanted a condom to keep dried milk in for transportation purposes. He was so embarassed at the check-out that he blurted out "It's not for me it's for my Five Pints!"

An easier way is to get SWMBO to buy it, just add it to her shopping list...

 

[Lakesailor]

Just do what most people do in supermarkets/garages/shops.
Hand over the item, pay, leave.
Don't utter a word.
At best, grunt.
At worst ask the Polish girl on the till if she "does business"

 

[michael_w]

Look 'em boldly in the eye, and say in a stage whisper.

"A gross of the Gossamer, please. That should do me for this weekend; I'm not as fit as I used to be!"

/forums/images/graemlins/laugh.gif

 

[KenMcCulloch]

Why not just slather it with Zinc Chromate paste (Duralac) which prevents electrolytic corrosion where you have SS and aluminium in contact? Don't however get confused between condoms and the yellow paste, I don't think it would do your parts much good.

 

[jimbouy]

Use one of them new fangled self check out machines......

 

[StugeronSteve]

Just go straight for it. Hand them over at the checkout and say- "Have you got these in a larger size?"

 

[rogerthebodger]

Go and buy some rubber gloves and cut the fingers off.

 

[Dyflin]

Vending machine in a pub?

Good excuse to go for a drink too! /forums/images/graemlins/smirk.gif

 

[Amari]

Many thanks all for this excellent advice. Bolstered my confidence no end. I might combine some of the ideas e.g. ask Polish girl for gross of larger size with zinc paste lubricant

 

[StugeronSteve]

Don't forget to chuck a small pot of grinding paste in your basket.

 

[Twister_Ken]

Maybe I'm guilty of taking this seriously, but I doubt whether LRC's finest would last more than few seconds in that role. I'd suggest looking for a suitably-sized bit of electrical cable, stripping the insulation, and using that as an insulator. Or drilling a bigger hole.

Now, back to condoms. I once, for my sins, worked in a toy company. We used a contract packing company in Dagenham, and the MD there told me this story:

We got a phone call from London Rubber asking if we could quote them for packing condoms in foil, then into sleeves of three or twelve. I asked them if they could send over some johnnies, foil and outers so we could do a test run to time it, and get back to them with a quote. Half a pallet of assorted bits and pieces arrived and I had it put in the warehouse until we had a quiet period on the lines, and we could set up the test. When the next quiet period arrived we went to the warehouse to get the LRC stuff, and all the condoms had disappeared. They'd been nicked. I had to phone my contact and tell him. I'd expected a difficult phone call, but he when heard he couldn't stop laughing. When he quietened down, he told me - don't worry, they were all rejects!

 

[RichardTaylor]

Do you next supermarket shop online for home delivery /forums/images/graemlins/blush.gif

 

[Amari]

Thanks Twister-Ken.
Splendid story!
The insulation from cable would be too thick. Drilling bigger hole or trying Duralac seems my best bet

 

[Csail]

Another good use for them is to put it around the gas bottle in your lifejacket to stop chaffing. (that tip came from RNLI)

 

[StugeronSteve]

Unlikely, I know, but I have heard that you can also stick them on yer knob for a shag.

 

[Andrew_Fanner]

Self amalgamating tape?

 

[StugeronSteve]

No, only when you are doing it with someone else!

 

[Gunfleet]

Lucky Mrs Stugeron!