Some (bad) jokes to cheer up your Friday

[Otto]

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

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"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

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"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

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I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said [butchly] 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said [campily] 'Make your mind up.'

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So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"

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"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.'"

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"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"

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"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

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"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

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"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."

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"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'

 

[orion21]

AT THE TRACK
>
> One day while he was at the track betting on the ponies and
>
> nearly losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out
>
> onto the track and blessed the forhead of one of the horses
>
> lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, that horse - a very
>
> long shot - won the race. Mitch was most interested to see
>
> what the priest did the next race. Sure enough, he watched the
>
> priest step out onto the track as the 5th race horses lined up,
>
> and placing a blessing on the forhead of one of the horses.
>
> Mitch made a beeline for the window and placed a small bet on
>
> the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse
>
> the priest had blessed won the race. Mitch collected his winning
>
> and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest bestowed his
>
> blessing on for the 6th race. The priest showed, blessed a horse,
>
> Mitch bet on it, and it won! and it always came in first.
>
> Mitch began to pull in some serious money, and by the last race,
>
> he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made
>
> a quick stop at the ATM, withdrew his savings and awaited the
>
> priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to be on.
>
> True to his pattern, the priest stepped out onto the track before
>
> the last race and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves
>
> of one of the horses. Mitch bet every cent, and watched the
>
> horse came in dead last. Mitch was dumbfounded.
>
> He made his way to the track and when he found the priest,
>
> he demanded, "What happened, Father? All day you blessed
>
> horses and they won. The last race, you blessed a horse and
>
> he lost. Now I've lost my savings too, Thanks to you!!"
>
> The priest nodded wisely and said, "That's the problem with
>
> Protestants, can't tell the difference between a simple blessing
>
> and the Last Rites."

/forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif

 

[orion21]

> >>>>>>>>> LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN.........
> >>>>>>>>>
> >>>>>>>>> A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use
> >>>>>>>>> the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
> >>>>>>>>>
> >>>>>>>>> Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my
> >>>>>>>>> granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was
> >>>>>>>>> fascinating."
> >>>>>>>>>
> >>>>>>>>> The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use
> >>>>>>>>> the
>word
> >>>>>>>>> "fascinate,
> >>>>>>>>> not fascinating".
> >>>>>>>>>
> >>>>>>>>> Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock
>City
> >>>>>>>>> and I
> >>>>>>>>> was
> >>>>>>>>> fascinated."
> >>>>>>>>>
> >>>>>>>>> The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted
> >>>>>>>>> you
>to
> >>>>>>>>> use the
> >>>>>>>>> word
> >>>>>>>>> "fascinate."
> >>>>>>>>>
> >>>>>>>>> Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because
> >>>>>>>>> she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
> >>>>>>>>>
> >>>>>>>>> She finally decided there was no way he could damage the
> >>>>>>>>> word "fascinate", so she called on him.
> >>>>>>>>>
> >>>>>>>>> Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons,
> >>>>>>>>> but
>her
> >>>>>>>>> tits
> >>>>>>>>> are so
> >>>>>>>>> big she can only fasten eight."
/forums/images/graemlins/blush.gif /forums/images/graemlins/smile.gif

 

[catmandoo]

Murphy has has own nail making business, and he wants it to be the best in
the world. So he goes to a top advertising agency to have them create a
marketing strategy. The agency assures him they can create a memorable
advertising campaign in a week.

The following week Murphy goes back to the agency and is shown in to a
small theatre to view the finished commercial.

The lights go off and screen springs into life.

On the screen is a sunset over a desert. The camera pans around to a hill
and zooms in to the top of the hill. At the top of the hill is a wooden
pole. The camera climbs up the pole to where a couple of feet are hanging.
It then carries on up to a man's torso, up to his face, and there is Jesus'
face. It then moves along an outstretched arm, to a hand pinned firmly to a
stake by a gleaming nail. On the nail is proudly emblazoned:

"Murphy's Nails" A caption appears on the screen

"Murphy's nails - they'll never let you down"

Murphy is outraged, "You'll get me shut down," he screams, "That's
blasphemous! I'll give you a week to come up with a decent campaign or I'll
go elsewhere. "

A week later Murphy goes back to the advertising agency and is shown into
the theatre. "This had better be an improvement" he warns. The lights dim
and the screen leaps into life.

On the screen is a Roman street with lots of people milling about. The
camera then pans quickly to left to see Jesus running like hell being
pursued by two Roman guards. The camera then zooms in on the two guards, to
catch one saying to the other "This would never have happened if we'd used
Murphy's nails."

 

[janeK]

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a
neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question.
Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question
thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen, lay before him on the bed. The astounded
Lancelot asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half
the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OK?

Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?
The moral is.....If you don't let a woman have her own way....Things are going to get ugly.

 

[janeK]

Corporate philosophy - lessons for all!

Corporate lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
Shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one
should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps
herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there
stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says "I'll
give you #800 to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a
moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few
seconds, Bob hands her #800 and leaves.
Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up
In the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her
husband asks from the shower "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door
neighbour." she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the #800 he owes
me?"

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time
With your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.

Corporate lesson 2
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he
Stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her
legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look
and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid
his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said "Father,
remember psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and aplogised profusely.
He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his
Eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up
Her leg again. The nun once again said "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once
Again the priest apologised. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving
At the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her
way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and
looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will
find glory."


Moral of the Story:
Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great
opportunity

Corporate Lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to
Lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out
In a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each
Of you just one." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in
The Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's
Gone In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be
In Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an Endless
Supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says,
"I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.



Corporate Lesson 4
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw
The crow, and asked him "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day
long?" The crow answered "Sure, why not?" So, the rabbit sat on the ground
below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit
and ate it.

Moral of Story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high
up.


Corporate Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to
The top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
"They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found
that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the
tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second
branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top
of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of
the tree.

Moral of Story:
Bull sh!t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Corporate Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird
Froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there
Preparing to die, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird
Lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realise how warm it was. The
Dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon
began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to
investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the
pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of Story:
1) Not everyone who sh!ts on you is your enemy
2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh!t is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep sh!t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

 

[T_S]

Little girl skipping down the street with a dog running beside her run round a corner and bump into the local Vicar. "Wooo steady on there little girl you should be more careful"... "Sorry mister Vicar just takin my lille doggy four a walk".

The Vicar smiles and asks "Whats your name little girl?" "Petal" The little girl replies. "Thats a pretty name for a pretty little girl, and why do you think your parents named you that?"

Petal looks up to the tall Vicar crossed legged and with one finger in the side of her mouth and replies "Well Mr Vicar my mummy told me that when I was a liddle baby in her tummy, her and my daddy were avin a picknick an sat under a cherry tree in spring wonderin what name I should ave. A cherry blossom pedal floaded down an landed on mummys tummy. So thats why they called me Petal"

"Oh what a beautiful story my child" Replies the ecstatic Vicar "I shall mention this in my sermon on Sunday........Oh and what is your little doggys name then Petal?"

"Porky"

"Thats a strange name, why do you call him Porky Petal?" Asks the confused Vicar.

"Cos he sh*gs pigs"