Paying the price for living aboard

[ribrage]

I had an email "chat" with my eldest son last night and the conversation revolved around living on the boat and how he saw it as a selfish act, as it effectively disconnected me from the rest of my family.

I sat and pondered his comments for hours last night, as it really played on my mind that he felt I had let them down by living on the yacht ,instead of renting a house nearby after I got divorced.

I've rationalised the whole process and realise his comments are somewhat true, part of the appeal is the solitude and the ability to REALLY get away from many of life's dramas

so is this a part of the price of living on board ?

Do you sacrifice other parts of a "normal" lifestyle to live on board?

What sacrifices have you made "to live the dream " ?

Have your kids or family ever voiced these opinions?

I thought after seven years of living on the (t)rusty old ketch I was pretty settled but his comments have rattled me.

 

[Downsman]

Depends on the individual making the observation I think. My grown kids are very independent and were delighted when I moved aboard after being widowed. We're a close family and their main worry was that I would end up watching soaps, reading newspapers and moaning about Greenfly on the Roses. Nearly 17 years now and they only ever ask that I try for a berth locally when I'm back in the UK so that visiting is easier, but they view my moving ashore anywhere at all with horror and a sign that I am surrendering to the Rat Race....

 

[Gerry]

That's sad, both for you and for him.

We left when our youngest was just 17, yes it was a wrench for both of us but in the long term the benefits have far outweighed the negatives. All the kids became more independent,it took a few years but we got there in the end. We all appreciated each other more, absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that!

Of course we didn't have the complication of a divorce to contend with. Perhaps you could arrange for him to spend some extended time on the boat with you?

And at the end of the day you have to do what is right for you and live your life to the full.Rather a happy if absent Dad who communicates well than a nearby miserable one who exudes negative and unhappy vibes.

Good luck.

 

[Bobobolinsky]

I live on my boat at this time because where I lived before has been devastated by the financial crisis and I spent six months on the dole. My boat allows me to move to where my work is.
Selfish I know, but if I didn't have the boat, I would be a construction gypsy in a caravan or an unpaid child minder.
Now I'm a water gypsy

 

[OldBawley]

Paying the price

Been a liveaboard and even more a cruising liveaboard is a hard choice. Before I quit my job to go cruising I was really sick of worry about leaving the sheltered society. One has to give up a lot of things to live the dream. Those who think we live an easy life are wrong. It is a hard life, winter even in the Med can be rough. I knew how it would be, was a liveaboard more than a decade before going cruising. I once spend a month in 8 inch of ice, had to break the ice three times a day to keep the boat safe.
Friends, social contacts, one leaves everything behind. Family as well, in my case, working abroad, I had left the family long before sailing.
Since we are cruising, contact with beloved is a lot better. Communications have become easy and cheap ( Free ) and we now have the time to chat. Now it is the other side who is busy, who has no time.
My parents and son think I did the right thing to go and see behind the hill. They would have done the same if they have had the possibilities. Others do find that I was irresponsible to go and do whatever I wanted. My brother feels I should go working again, to help build his retirement.
Lots of people are just jealous but stay looking trough the curtains although they could go travelling themselves.
Someone once told me that our little boat is in fact a hiding place, a place where on only must give account to oneself. Put that yacht into a remote bay, well sheltered , self sufficient for a month, could be heaven.
Then the phone rings. Each time my hart stops. Always bad news.
Getting away of life´s dramas ? No way.

 

[Rum_Pirate]

I had an email "chat" with my eldest son last night and the conversation revolved around living on the boat and how he saw it as a selfish act, as it effectively disconnected me from the rest of my family.

If you see then regularly and phone/Skype them regularly what is the problem?

Why you have to invite your family to your residence?

Why doesn't your family invite you to their houses?

 

[ribrage]

Paying the price

Been a liveaboard and even more a cruising liveaboard is a hard choice. Before I quit my job to go cruising I was really sick of worry about leaving the sheltered society. One has to give up a lot of things to live the dream. Those who think we live an easy life are wrong. It is a hard life, winter even in the Med can be rough. I knew how it would be, was a liveaboard more than a decade before going cruising. I once spend a month in 8 inch of ice, had to break the ice three times a day to keep the boat safe.
Friends, social contacts, one leaves everything behind. Family as well, in my case, working abroad, I had left the family long before sailing.
Since we are cruising, contact with beloved is a lot better. Communications have become easy and cheap ( Free ) and we now have the time to chat. Now it is the other side who is busy, who has no time.
My parents and son think I did the right thing to go and see behind the hill. They would have done the same if they have had the possibilities. Others do find that I was irresponsible to go and do whatever I wanted. My brother feels I should go working again, to help build his retirement.
Lots of people are just jealous but stay looking trough the curtains although they could go travelling themselves.
Someone once told me that our little boat is in fact a hiding place, a place where on only must give account to oneself. Put that yacht into a remote bay, well sheltered , self sufficient for a month, could be heaven.
Then the phone rings. Each time my hart stops. Always bad news.
Getting away of life´s dramas ? No way.

My Parents are another thing that was talked about and how I was in some way shirking the responsibility of their old age , as I said to him , when I am old HE won't have to worry about me as I simply wouldn't be a burden to him , I'll be on the other side the planet and laid on a beach watching the last sun set .

How do others deal with elderly parents or grand kids even ?

I've no intentions of turning my back on the life style , but his words made an impact and got me thinking about what I was doing and why ?

Interesting to hear other people's stories

 

[binch]

conscience.

We have lived aoard and cruised widely for 36 years now and have got on well with both our kids.
However, last summer, when I was taken ill in France, They ganged up and came out, helped prepare the boat and we have been shang-haied back to UK.
I actually acquiesced!! Was I mad?
Now, I am partially disappointed, but that is balanced by the touching thought that they cared.
In fact I am no longer fit to navigate, but my wife would be capable. She has decided to go along with our off-spring and double up our moorings. We still live aboard.

 

[ribrage]

We have lived aoard and cruised widely for 36 years now and have got on well with both our kids.
However, last summer, when I was taken ill in France, They ganged up and came out, helped prepare the boat and we have been shang-haied back to UK.
I actually acquiesced!! Was I mad?
Now, I am partially disappointed, but that is balanced by the touching thought that they cared.
In fact I am no longer fit to navigate, but my wife would be capable. She has decided to go along with our off-spring and double up our moorings. We still live aboard.

Binch

I'm sorry to hear that , it must be good to see family and friends again though, your use of acquiesced made me smile as I instantly thought of johnny depp using it in pirates of the Caribbean , not a word in common usage !

36 years worth of stories to tell , way more than most of the people you share pontoon space with, where are you based now ?

 

[jordanbasset]

We have lived aoard and cruised widely for 36 years now and have got on well with both our kids.
However, last summer, when I was taken ill in France, They ganged up and came out, helped prepare the boat and we have been shang-haied back to UK.
I actually acquiesced!! Was I mad?
Now, I am partially disappointed, but that is balanced by the touching thought that they cared.
In fact I am no longer fit to navigate, but my wife would be capable. She has decided to go along with our off-spring and double up our moorings. We still live aboard.

Having read your posts in the past you sound a wonderful person and it looks as if your family take after you
Edit - have been just reminded as well that yours was the first book I read when I was thinking about becoming a Liveaboard - a wonderful read

 

[Sandyman]

I dont see that your choice to live onboard is selfish in any way. Its your life you do what you want with it. Maybe son does not like you living as you do, maybe out of concern, expecting you to follow convention waiting to die within bricks & mortar.

so is this a part of the price of living on board ?

Depends on how close a family you are and what your personal relationships are like.
Dont see it as a price. It can also be a benefit (re: above)

Do you sacrifice other parts of a "normal" lifestyle to live on board?

Whats a normal lifestyle? To landlubbers ours must seem an odd/strange way to live.
I could never live on the land again so now to me theirs is an odd way to want to live.

What sacrifices have you made "to live the dream " ?

Just about everything. Nothing was going to get in my way and I've not regretted it for a single moment. Its what I decided I wanted to do & the way I wished to live & spend my life.

Have your kids or family ever voiced these opinions?

Yes indeed. But they were well aware of my intentions and knew this was the way I/we wished to live. Found that friends voiced more concerns but put this down to their lack of knowledge......you know the sort of thing............wont it be cold & damp, how will you manage in winter................how will you manage with no hot water, washing machine, freezer, electricity etc etc.

I thought after seven years of living on the (t)rusty old ketch I was pretty settled but his comments have rattled me.

Well dont let it. Your life you live it as you wish.

 

[ribrage]

We have lived aoard and cruised widely for 36 years now and have got on well with both our kids.
However, last summer, when I was taken ill in France, They ganged up and came out, helped prepare the boat and we have been shang-haied back to UK.
I actually acquiesced!! Was I mad?
Now, I am partially disappointed, but that is balanced by the touching thought that they cared.
In fact I am no longer fit to navigate, but my wife would be capable. She has decided to go along with our off-spring and double up our moorings. We still live aboard.

Binch

Thanks to a PM from another forumite ...(.pstttt do you know who your chatting with) it would seem my kids have assisted you in your travels in the past , I believe I have received duplicated copies of your book 3 times in the last 12 years as Xmas presents, I have of course smiled and acted surprised as any father would.
I should blame your books for my inspiration and remind my family of their Xmas purchases for me ,from when they were much younger, hence I hold you, your excellent crew , your publisher and my kids entirely responsible for my current dilemma.

I wish you a safe retirement if that is your intentions

Ian

 

[ribrage]

I dont see that your choice to live onboard is selfish in any way. Its your life you do what you want with it. Maybe son does not like you living as you do, maybe out of concern, expecting you to follow convention waiting to die within bricks & mortar.

so is this a part of the price of living on board ?

Depends on how close a family you are and what your personal relationships are like.
Dont see it as a price. It can also be a benefit (re: above)

Do you sacrifice other parts of a "normal" lifestyle to live on board?

Whats a normal lifestyle? To landlubbers ours must seem an odd/strange way to live.
I could never live on the land again so now to me theirs is an odd way to want to live.

What sacrifices have you made "to live the dream " ?

Just about everything. Nothing was going to get in my way and I've not regretted it for a single moment. Its what I decided I wanted to do & the way I wished to live & spend my life.

Have your kids or family ever voiced these opinions?

Yes indeed. But they were well aware of my intentions and knew this was the way I/we wished to live. Found that friends voiced more concerns but put this down to their lack of knowledge......you know the sort of thing............wont it be cold & damp, how will you manage in winter................how will you manage with no hot water, washing machine, freezer, electricity etc etc.

I thought after seven years of living on the (t)rusty old ketch I was pretty settled but his comments have rattled me.

Well dont let it. Your life you live it as you wish.

Thank you

Of course you are right, my conscience was sitting hard on my shoulder last night after my sons chat , it didn't help that I have been at sea on the research ship working in oz for 5 weeks and came home for a short ten day leave , then dashed off to join another vessel in Ghana for five weeks......... My own fault !............... money for the cruising pot and Xmas off was my motivation, don't think he sees it the same way .

I stand chasticised , a wiser man the following day As always.

 

[KellysEye]

When we were away a certain mother was always giving one of us a hard time - you don't love me, one of us had been kidnapped etc, etc. It was really depressing given we kept in contact.

We also knew well another cruising boat whose son thought they were selfish not being at home to help him. He's an around the world sailer currently doing the Vendee.

So whingeing relatives are not unusual, just a pain.

 

[PlanB]

You can´t live your life according to others´ expectations, even close family.
You don´t say where you are geographically in relation to your family, but do you see them much less now you are a liveaboard than you did before? Often, it seems to be the thought of absence/distance which is the problem, rather than the fact of it.
Once my elderly mother realised I could be home in 24 hours, that phones worked abroad and that she could come out and see us, no problem there.
Partner´s sons think coming out to the Med is much better than being taken out to dinner in Leeds.
We know that were we to live in a house in UK, we would be bored, would become aware of aches and pains (see other thread - we think we don´t feel ill as there´s no convenient GP) and we would spend too much money (apart from anything else, the wine costs a fortune).
Via the internet we are in touch with UK friends and family, and have far more friends out here than we ever had in the UK.
After divorces and a lifetime of hard work, we think we are entitled to do what we want with the rest of our lives. Selfish? Possibly, but as someone else here said, you only get one go at life and so give it a real go.
And as a PS, I just related the gist of this thread to my other half, who said, that´s my experience - you give birth to them and they spend the rest of your life upsetting you!

 

[Peroo]

WE certainly miss the family but we did spend some 15 years while saving telling them that this is what we wanted to do. Parents, children, grandchildren, they all tug at your emotions and there are times when 3000 miles is a very long way away. However, due to our circumstanced we will return, to what we don't know, but we will at some stage.

We would love to do this forever and are glad we made the break - the experiences and the people we have met have been unforgettable, and we made an early decision that we didn't want to say " I wonder what would have happened if we had bought a boat and sailed away?" and watching telly is something we don't want to do until we drop.

Emotionally it was tough and the passing of loved ones and the arrival of grandchildren has often made it even tougher. However we make a great deal of effort to stay in touch with the whole family and the feedback we have had is that they love talking about their whacky parents/grandparents/children.

We wouldn't have missed this for the world despite the cost to health and wealth.

 

[Zanziba]

My father gave me some advice when I walked out on my family to pursue a life aboard

"Son, you have a right to be happy too"

I've created a lifestyle where I still see my children but I live aboard. I wont sail the world until they are adults but if they hold it against me when I go then they will be the selfish ones.

I would never, ever, feel badly against my father if he pursued a life abroad. He's a true adventurer and I know his clock is ticking away.

You only get one life, it is not a practice. Enjoy every minute, pursue every option and discover and experience everything that you can.

Your children, once grown up, can do the same thing, with or without you.

 

[phantomlady]

Well said Zanziba

 

[Ariadne]

OK, my eldest son (16 at the time) thought is was mad and selfish when we (Mrs + daughter 9 & son 7) left the wet dismal shore of the UK for warmer climes way back in 2007. Now 6 1/2 years later he is very cool with the idea of his dad sailing around the place doing weird stuff, and he gets some important street cred from his mates as their parents are boring! He's now wants to visit us and do the stuff we are doing.

My ex was vindictive and poisonous about our decision to leave and she worked very hard at destroying my relationship with my son with deceit and outright lies (make sure your sons anger isn't coming from that direction!).

Our parents think we are insane taking our kids to sea, some have accepted it and some haven't, we enjoy it and we stay in touch with left in the UK so it's fine with us. They do moan about why we don't fly back to see them, but it's just as easy and cheap if they flew to us and had a holiday in the sun (instead of us having a holiday in the snow and rain!).

Anyway, it's your life and there is no trial run and you do have the right to be happy and do your own thing. Your kids will grow up and eventually respect your decision. Happy sailing.

 

[outtametree]

OK, my eldest son (16 at the time) thought is was mad and selfish when we (Mrs + daughter 9 & son 7) left the wet dismal shore of the UK for warmer climes way back in 2007. Now 6 1/2 years later he is very cool with the idea of his dad sailing around the place doing weird stuff, and he gets some important street cred from his mates as their parents are boring! He's now wants to visit us and do the stuff we are doing.

My ex was vindictive and poisonous about our decision to leave and she worked very hard at destroying my relationship with my son with deceit and outright lies (make sure your sons anger isn't coming from that direction!).

Our parents think we are insane taking our kids to sea, some have accepted it and some haven't, we enjoy it and we stay in touch with left in the UK so it's fine with us. They do moan about why we don't fly back to see them, but it's just as easy and cheap if they flew to us and had a holiday in the sun (instead of us having a holiday in the snow and rain!).

Anyway, it's your life and there is no trial run and you do have the right to be happy and do your own thing. Your kids will grow up and eventually respect your decision. Happy sailing.

+1

When I split with my ex I saw my boys regularly & spoke on the phone daily. When I remarried, she stopped me seeing them completely & poisoned their minds against me. My eldest fell for it for about 6 months & then came around. The youngest took a lot longer, but after a few years he too came around & now he holds his mum responsible for missing years of contact with his dad. So don't discount a little propaganda from that direction where your boy is concerned.
Also could be a bit of teenage feeling sorry for themself. After all you would not be the only parent to put distance between themself & an ex. The only difference is you're afloat.
More than likely just wants to push a parents buttons & you're an easy target.