Ozzy Joke (No boat connection at all)

Lakesailor

Lakesailor

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A Northern Territory
jackaroo radios back to the station
manager: "Hey boss, I have one
hell of a problem here. I hit a
bloody pig with the 4WD. The pig's
OK, but he's stuck in the bull bar
at the front and is squealing and
wriggling around so much I can’t
get him out." The manager says,
"OK, there's a 303 rifle behind the
seat, take it out and shoot the
bloody pig in the head, then you'll
be able to remove him."
Five minutes later the
farm hand calls back. "I did as you
said boss. I took the 303 and shot
the bloody pig in the head and
removed him from the bull-bar. No
problem there, but I still can't go
on." "Now what's the problem?"
raged the manager. "Well Boss,
it’s his motor bike. The bloody
flashing blue light’s jammed tight
between the right front wheel arch
and the wheel.......................Hello?
Ya there boss?" /forums/images/graemlins/cool.gif
 
Seriously,

Please take this with you to the lounge.

(Blimey, at last it's my turn to have a go at Lakesailor).
 
[ QUOTE ]
An appalling joke,no place for it here take it somewhere it will be appreciated.

[/ QUOTE ]

You being serious? /forums/images/graemlins/confused.gif
 
Laughed !!!!!!
nearly fell off me Bike

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So did I, but I think there are some in here that have had a humourotomy!...........For crying out loud, it's only scuttlebut, not the dead sea scrolls!

I mean, it was clearly stated, Ozzy Joke, ya don't have ta read it? /forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif
 
I'd just like to throw in my two pennys worth..... /forums/images/graemlins/laugh.gif


pig_bike.jpg
 
O splutter I've just lost a half a mouth full of my rusty nail. Have to go and top up. I thought laughs like this only appeared in the lounge. Shall have to come here more often. /forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif
 
Lots of jokes about rozzers, plods, etc. Here

This is a sample...

[ QUOTE ]
You Might Be A Cop If . . .

. . . you have the bladder capacity of five people
. . . you believe that 25% of people are a waste of protoplasm
. . . your idea of a good time is an armed robbery at shift change
. . . you call for a criminal check of anyone who seems friendly to you
. . . discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you
. . . you identify a negative "teeth to tatoo" ratio just by looking at a person
. . . you find humor in other people's stupidity
. . . you disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see
. . . you have your weekends off planned for a year in advance
. . . you believe unspeakable evils will fall upon you if someone says "boy, it sure is quiet here tonight"
. . . your diet consists of food that has gone through more processing than a computer can track
. . . you believe chocolate is a food group
. . . when someone calls you a jerk, you take it as a compliment
. . . you have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide, get it right the first time"
. . . you believe that "too stupid to live" should be a valid verdict
. . . you have ever had to put the phone on hold, so you could laugh uncontrollably
. . . you believe a certain dispatcher is possessed by a demon
. . . your favorite hallucinogen is exhaustion
. . . you think caffeine should be available in IV form
. . . you have heard the sergeant muttering down the hall, "who's in charge of this mess"
. . . your prisoner states, "I don't know how it got there"
. . . it occurs to you suddenly one night that you are policing the Twilight Zone
. . . you believe anyone who says, "I only had two or three beers" and blows over 150
. . . you find out a lot about paranoia just by following people around
. . . you are told to deliver a human jaw in a jar and you find yourself talking to it there on the seat beside you
. . . you believe it's not a good death unless it involves overtime
. . . you are the only person introduced at a social gathering by his profession
. . . you walk into places and people think it's high comedy to seize a co-worker and shout "they've come to get you, bill or fred. or whoever"
. . . you do not see daylight from November to May
. . . you believe office meetings are always called at the end of your shift
. . . people shout "I didn't do it!" when you walk into a room and they think it's original and hugely funny

[/ QUOTE ]


"They're comin' to take me away, ha-hah, he-hee, ho-ho"

ps Have a look at the source....Here

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pps D'you think this might be a troll?

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Ease to 15 there young William!!! /forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif /forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif /forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif

Rozer's? /forums/images/graemlins/shocked.gif
 
And another....

[ QUOTE ]
This Actually Happened in Court . . .

A suspect for shoplifting in Knightsbridge, a gentleman of Mid-Eastern origin, was in the dock. The judge was having great difficulty in hearing the case because of constant interruptions by the defendant.

The defendant kept waving his check book at the judge and saying: 'Yes, yes, okay. I know. I am guilty, I don't have time for this. Tell me how much is the fine. I will write the check now!'

The Judge very patiently explained the due process, and asked the defendant to wait his turn, but the defendant kept interrupting in the same way.

Eventually the judge had heard the case and turned to ask the defendant if he had anything else to say. There was a repeat of the earlier behaviour, including waving the check book.

The judge looked at him and said, "Very well, sir. Please write me out a check for six months in HMP Pentonville.



[/ QUOTE ]

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C'mon, Al. It's your turn....

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( AFAIK 'rozzers' is Glesca for 'plods', 'bobbies' and 'nick-nicks'....)
 
It's the season of goodwill not a court of law - Cures for what ails you tend to be either a bottle of scotch or a bad woman. With that much uptightness I'd prescribe both in your case /forums/images/graemlins/smile.gif /forums/images/graemlins/smile.gif

Bring 'em on I say!! /forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif
 
Bruce is driving over Sydney Harbour Bridge one day in his ute when he sees his girlfriend Sheila just about to throw herself off the bridge into the water far below.
Bruce slams on the brakes & shouts "G'day Sheila! What the hell do you think you're doing?"
Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says "G'day Bruce - You got me pregnant & so now I'm gonna kill myself."
"Sheila," says our hero, "not only are you a great shag, but you're a real sport to." an getting back in his ute. drives off.
 
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My turn

Sheep Sharing

An English tourist visiting the Outback of Australia notices a farmer goin' at it with a sheep in a nearby field. The English guy taken aback by this, so he climbs the fence and walks over to the farmer. He taps him on the shoulder and says, "You know mate, back home, we shear those!"
The Aussie farmer looks frantically around and says, "I'm not bloody SHARING with anyone!"

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