Monday Smile

[claymore]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted
wife, a very good-looking woman. She was determined to keep the ranch,
but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad the
newspaper for a cowhand. Two men applied for the job. One was gay and
the other a drunk . She thought long and hard about it, and when no one
else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer
to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard
worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, he worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day,
the rancher's widow said to him, "You have done a really good job, and
the ranch looks great. You should go into town an kick up your heels."
He readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock
came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no cowhand. He
returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the
rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting
for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and
take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off
my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take
off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in
the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he
did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. "Now," she said, "take
off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down
and off. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes
into town again, you're fired!"

 

[Rowana]

A first grade teacher, Mrs Brooks was having trouble with one of her students, Lil' Johnny. The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?"
Johnny answered, "I am too smart for the first Grade. My sister is in the third grade and I am smarter than she is! I think I should be in third grade too." Mrs Brooks had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Mrs Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. She agreed Johnny was brought in and the conditions explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Johnny: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6 ?"
Johnny: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grade should know. The principal looks at Mrs Brooks and tells her,
“I think Johnny can go to the third grade."
Mrs Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him, some questions?"
The principal and Johnny both agree.

Mrs Brooks: "What does a cow have four of that I have only 2 of?
Johnny, after a moment "Legs."

> >Mrs Brooks: What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Johnny: "Pockets."

Mrs Brooks: "What starts with C and ends with T, is hairy, oval and delicious and contains a whitish liquid?"
Johnny: "Coconut."

Mrs Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink and comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny takes charge.....
Johnny: "Bubblegum."

Mrs Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on 3 legs?"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.....
Johnny: "Shake hands."

Mrs Brooks: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' questions, okay?"
Mrs Brooks: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do."
Johnny: "Tent."

Mrs Brooks: "A finger goes inside me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first."
The principal was looking restless and a bit tense.
Johnny: "Wedding Ring."

Mrs Brooks: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver?"
Johnny; "Arrow."

Mrs Brooks: "What word starts with F and ends in K and means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Johnny: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send Johnny to University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

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[janeK]

good one made me chuckle, thanks