Monday laugh..

[Will_M]

A middle aged guy bought a brand new Mercedes convertible SL500. He took off down the road, pushed it up to 90 mph, and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair. "This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed.

But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing.

"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored
it some more, and flew down the road at over 130 mph to escape being stopped.

Then he thought, "What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road,and waited for the Police car to catch up with him.

The Policeman pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up on the driver's side. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in a few minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back!"

The Policeman said, "Have a nice day."

 

[lezgar]

Sir Alex Ferguson is on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" and has reached the million pound question.

Chris Tarrant says, "Right Sir Alex, this is for one million pounds, and remember, you still have two lifelines left, so please take your time.

Here's your question: What type of animal lives in a
set? Is it
a) a badger
b) a ferret
c) a mole or
d) a cuckoo?

Fergie ponders for a while and says "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm not too sure. I'll have to go 50-50." Chris says "Right, Sir Alex, let's take away two wrong answers and see what you're left with." "Badger" and "cuckoo" are the two remaining answers.

Fergie has a long think, then scratches his head and says "No, Chris, I'm still not sure, I'm going to have to phone a friend." "So who are you going to call, Sir Alex?" says Chris. "Hmmm..." ponders Fergie. "I think I'll call David Beckham."

So Tarrant phones David Beckham. "David, this is Chris Tarrant from 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'. I've got Sir Alex Ferguson here, and with your help he could win one million pounds. The next voice you hear will be Sir Alex's".

"Hello David" says Fergie. "It's the boss here. What type of animal lives in a set? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?"

"It's a badger, boss." says Becks without hesitation.

You sure, son?" says Fergie.

"Definitely, boss. One hundred percent. It's a badger. Definitely."

"Right, Chris," says Fergie, "I'll go with David. The answer's a badger. Final answer."

"Sir Alex," says Chris, "that's the correct answer. You've won one million pounds!!" Cue wild celebrations.

Next morning at training, Fergie calls Beckham across. "Son, that was brilliant last night. I thought I might be taking a gamble giving you a call, but you played a blinder! But how the f**k did you know that a badger lives in a set?" says Fergie.

"Oh I didn't, boss," replies Beckham, "but everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock."

 

[Forbsie]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's
drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some
olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then
jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his
mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.


The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?"


"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table---whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in
sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He
finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then
leaves.



Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He
orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the
man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the
bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it. Then
the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and
eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
he asks.


"No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his ass, pulled it out,
and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", replied the guy. "He still eats everything
in sight, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures
everything first."


<A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.arweb.co.uk/argallery/forbsie?&page=1>My Project</A>

 

[Will_M]

Another Monday laugh..

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's
drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some
olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then
jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his
mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table---whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything in
sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He
finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then
leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He
orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the
man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the
bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it. Then
the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and
eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
he asks.

"No, what?" replies the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his ass, pulled it out,
and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me", replied the guy. "He still eats everything
in sight, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures
everything first."

 

[Twister_Ken]

Certain lack of originality

see Forbsie's 11:41 posting below

 

[tjc]

Re: Another Monday laugh..

A young man called Derrick wanted to purchase a gift for his new
> > sweetheart's Christmas present. As they had not been dating for very
> > long, after careful consideration, he decided that a pair of gloves
> > would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.
> >
> > Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister he went to Harrods and bought a
> > dainty pair of White gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for
> > herself at the same time. During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed
> > up the two items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got
> > the panties.
> > Without checking the contents the young man sealed the package and sent
> > it to his sweetheart with the following note:
> >
> > Dear Maria,
> >
> > I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of
wearing
> > any when we go out in the evening.
> > If it had not been for your sister I would have chosen the long ones
> > with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.
> > These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me
> > the pair that she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they
> > were hardly soiled at all.
> >
> > I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even
> > though they were a little tight on her. She also told me that her pair
> > rubs her ring which helps keep it clean and shiny, in fact she had not
> > needed to wash it since she had begun wearing them. I wish I were
there
> > to put them on for you for the first time, as no doubt many other hands
> > will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
> >
> > When you take them off remember to blow into them before putting them
> > away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think
> > how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope
> > that you will wear them for me on Friday night.
> >
> > All my love
> >
> > Derrick
> >
> > P.S.The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur
> > showing.

 

[Ohdrat]

Re: I now it\'s a bit late for this but...

Scottish news

Tony Blair is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of
patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.

The patient replies: "Fair fa your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain o'
the puddin' race, Aboon them a you take your place, Painch, tripe or
thairm, As langs my airm."

Blair is confused, so he just grins & moves on to the next patient.

The patient responds: "Some hae meat & canna eat, And some wad eat that
want it, But we hae meat & we can eat, So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the PM moves on to
the next patient who immediately begins to chant: "Wee sleekit, cowerin'
timrous beastie, thou needna start awa sae hastie, Wi' bickering brattle."

Now seriously troubled, Blair turns to the accompanying doctor and
asks quietly "What kind of facility is this? A mental ward?"

"No" replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit"

 

[polarity]

A white horse walks into a bar

Barman says " Ere' do you know they named a drink after you?"

White horse says

"What, .. Eric ?"

 

[Bladerunner]

A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a phial of cyanide.
The pharmacist, trying to keep a professional posture, asked what he wanted it for.
He answered, "I want to kill my wife."
"I'm sorry sir", the pharmacist replied, "but you will have to understand that under such circumstances I cannot sell you any cyanide".
The man reaches into his wallet and produces a photo of his wife.
The pharmacist takes a look at the photo and replies "I'm sorry sir I didn't realise you had a prescription."

Tu ne quaesieris, scire nefas

 

[steveh]

Infrequently

An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was
finally time to marry.

Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding how
their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements
and so on.

Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their
sexual relationship...

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully.

"Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently," she responded.

The old guy paused....then he asked, "Was that one word or two?"

 

[davidhand]

There was once a cruise ship that had a magician for after dinner entertainment. The captain of the ship owned a parrot which was kept on a purch next to the magician's stage. After a while the parrot got know all the magician's tricks even figuring out how they were done. Much to the annoyance of the magician the parrot would call out comments such as "it's up his sleeve", or "it's all done with mirrors". One day there was an awfull storm and the ship sank and the parrott and the magician ended up clinging to the same piece of driftwood staring at each other with hatred in their hearts. After a couple of days the parrot finally said to the magician "alright I give up, where's the f*****g ship".