Matts promotion, finance, planes and big boats

[petem]

MBY dropped through the letter box yesterday and naturally I flicked through to see if there were any more offerings from our own John Matthews. Low and behold, not only a whole article on private light aircraft but a quote in an article on finance. Matt's even had a promotion to 'MBYcontributor'. Congratulations! Still no credit at the front of the mag!

As the saying goes, everyone's got a book inside them. Surely it's only a matter of time before Matt's novel is published. Look out JK Rowling!

Re: Marine Finance. Surely the most one sided article ever written on the subject. I agree with Matt that borrowing using ones own house as equity is the best option if you can do it. This is what I did and not only is the APR much lower but there are so many payment options, repayment, interest only, mixtures of the two etc. In fact I've never heard a plausible argument against this.

Still, Matt must also have a pretty impressive gaff if he's financing the Leopard this way!

Next on to the subject of Private Jets.

Why the article in a Boat Magazine. Praps Matt's trying to get his 'research' through as a Business Expense? I'm actually rather disappointed that he hasn't got his own jet.

Anyway, all sounds great doesn't it? However, if the planes are so smart and the pilots are so good then why do they keep crashing? Even off the top of my head I could quote crashes involving David Coulthard, Frankie Dettori and that little jet that landed on the A40 year or two a go. That's before Friday's terrible accident in which 5 were tragically killed. I would be interested to know exactly how safe these planes are. How does it compare with driving a car or riding a motor bike? Remember that your life assurance does not exclude motor bike riding but does exclude non scheduled flights.

Prices, £10,000 for the weekend, not too bad! I'd hope to do a whole years boating for that!

Boats getting bigger. Agreed. At the top of the scale there's an advert in Boat International for new project, length 147 metres. Huge, in fact, that's bigger than some cruise liners! At the bottom of the scale is there a glut around the 30 - 34m size. I see there's plenty of T30's for sale and even more T34's. One broker on the south coast had a total of 7 T34's available. Some of which I reckon he'd had for over a year.

Finally, is this the ultimate accessory for your UK based 13m boat. A 2 bedroom flat a Moriconium Quay in Poole. A snip at £925,000. Why is Poole so expensive? Anyone know what the next Poole is so that I can get in now!

Perhaps Matt could knock up a quick feature on waterside properties.

 

[Guest]

Yes waterside properties I want one, but a real sore subject in this house.

Paul js.

 

[Guest]

PeteM and the Philosphers Cliché: by J.K MattS

PeteM and the Philosphers Cliché: novel by J.K Matts

It seemed like just another ordinary day for Peter. But hardly anything was normal for Pete. Because he was the main character in a blockbusting children’s novel! Gosh!

However, the main problem in PeteM’s life was The Author. Yes! Petem was constricted by the fact that his life was completely invented by some half-arsed writer intent upon Making A Few Quid.

Of course, there were odd-sounding names here and there. But there was no getting away from the fact that the author was a Bit Crap. Even worse- very middle of the road and politically correct.

As a result, PeteM’s parents were dead. How sad. But at least everyone warmed to his character, and it made him “accessible”. And at the same time, hardly anyone dare say how rubbish the book was, because that would make them sound somewhat heartless, and uncaring of poor Petem and his unfortunate circumstances.

PeteM’s dead parents had left him a pile of money! Hurrah! But it was TwonkNoodle Money, looked after by goblins, so the money wasn’t any good at MacDonalds or Sunseeker or Fairline or Ferrari, for example.

PeteM applied for a job at at KingScreech Tower, the home of the Incorrigibly Politically Correct orgainsation. Or IPC, for short. And seeing as how this is a fairly crappo novel by a crappo author, he gets the job. Otherwise, that would be end of the story.

At King Screech Tower, fifteen things happened on every page. None of them had very much bearing on the thin plot. But, as with the dead parents, this fast pace neatly avoided any descriptive work by the author. Although it did mean that the subeditor had to think of a million different ways of saying “And Then”.

One of the senior people was Alan Harsher, who looked a bit serious, and so to balance it up, the other boss had a nice name (which made him sound nice) which was er Kim Hollamby. Mr Hollamby was jovial, which for some reason also meant that he was a bit overweight. No thin people are ever “jovial”, especially when you’re this deep in clichés.

At IPC, PeteM’s best friend was Billy Armitage, who was working class, like his name. Billy’s family was skint, as is all the working class, and as a result they were very happy. Billy’s mum said things like “Lawks a mercy!” all the time. His deadliest enemy was Darcy Darkly who was very rich, lived in a huge and fabulous house with huge boat, and therefore everyone hated him for some unlikely reason, and his family had rotten luck, somehow.

Other friends at King Screech were a girl, again to balance things up, called Olivia. This made her sound a bit posh. PeteM noticed that his best friends were a boy and a girl, and that they were of slightly higher and lower class respectively. Olivia was more intelligent than Billy or PeteM, again to balance things up in a lame and clumsily even-handed sort of way.

One day, in the lift, Pete saw that one floor was marked 13½ . He went to Mr Harsher, to ask him what it meant. “You must never ever EVER go on to the 13½th floor. Dreadful things happen there. “ said Mr Harsher, in a very threatening way.

So, sure enough, by page 24, PeteM and his skint dim working class mate Billy and the oppositely-sexed - and oppositely-intelligent-and-slightly-upper-class-but-not-too-much friend Olivia all went to floor 13½ for a quick look round.

When they got back, they got sacked. Oops, no they didn’t somehow, but they got a severe ticking off from grim Mr Harsher, because Petem saved the day, somehow, a few pages later. Even though he was a spotty newbie.

A favourite game at IPC was QuockDitch. This was a totally crap game, and could only have been invented by an idiot with no idea of ball games of any kind. Probably a woman, except that of course nobody was allowed to say that since everything was terribly PC. The game involved zooming around a bit, but if you did something else completely, then you won and the other goals didn’t count. The severely limited imagination of author was demonstrated by the weak and disjointed rules of the game. But worse was to come.

As a special treat, Petem got a company boat, the model number of which was “2000”. Petem’s heart fell. He knew that he was trapped in a really hopeless story if the limit of the authors imagination included anything that was supposedly a top-of the-range item, but had a model number “2000”. Things that were called “2000” went out with the Ark. Petem knew that lots of software packages, for example, called 2000, weren’t even Y2k compatible. The last car to have the number 2000 was a poxy Ford Cortina. Jeez, thought Petem, what a pile of junk! But he smiled nicely for the film, which was made later.

At IPC, Petem didn’t get ignored or bashed around since he was a spotty newbie. Ooh no. He was picked for the team at QuockDitch! And they yawningly beat the baddies with a late sort of goal thing that gosh nobody had ever done for a hundred years except for Petem on his debut game. Yeah, right.

Later, they went back to the 13½th floor, and found that Mr Harsher was apparently suspected of whatever unspeakable (i.e. beyond the descriptive powers of the author, again) death that befell his parents. But the twist in the tale is that it was Mr Hollamby all along! Which just goes to show that you never can tell, doesn’t it? Well, apart of the rest of the cliché–ridden book, which relies on the hope that you can indeed “tell” what everyone is like just from their blimmin name. And there’s three more of these so-called stories too.

The end.

 

[longjohnsilver]

Re: PeteM and the Philosphers Cliché: by J.K MattS

Do not pass Go and do not collect £230M publishing rights!!

 

[Geoffs]

Re: PeteM and the Philosphers Cliché: by J.K MattS

It’s all there Matt, well nearly all haven’t you missed out the bit about the strange scar on Pete’s back side.

The strange scar in the shape of a ring of Laurel leaves, with a magical word written through the middle that no one has been able understand. Pete got this scar when his parents died trying to drive their boat up the stone sea wall at Portland, an accident that he miraculously survived. A weird mist descending on the area, totally obliterating all electronic nav. aids, caused this.

It is suspected that this mist was caused to descend by the evil Lord Blair, but no one ever mentions his name, who was against any one enjoying themselves.

 

[petem]

Re: PeteM and the Philosphers Cliché: by J.K MattS

Thanks Matt saved me the bother of reading the first one. Anyway I'm now reading Alan Titmarch (he of Groundforce fame aka the houswife's favourite bit of crumpet). Crap writer but I think he owns a boat and the stories are every so slightly nautical.

 

[Guest]

Re: scheduled/non-scheduled

Dunno about individual life insurance policies. But you get a flight number and departure time if you rent a plane. Doesn't this mean it's "scheduled"? If not, what about all the charter flights with Thompsons (sp?) etc.??

 

[petem]

Re: scheduled/non-scheduled

Will investigate and let you know.

 

[petem]

Re: scheduled/non-scheduled

Back peddling a little now. As usual it depends on the type of policy you have and what the insurer classifies as a hazardous persuit. I believe that the company I work for is ok as long as you are a 'fare paying' passenger. Therefore, probably ok for charter jets but not when your flying with Mrs Matts.

My Lloyds travel policy is similar and excludes 'flying other than as a fare-paying passenger on a regular scheduled airline or licensed charter aircraft'. Presumably your chartered jet would be a 'licensed charter aircraft'.

Pete

 

[Guest]

Re: tee hee

Petem is gonna ring his insurance bod up and ask if he's okay on a private jet. The premiums will go northwards.

 

[petem]

Re: tee hee

Dear Taxcollector,

Not really a problem for me. However it's going to put me in a bit of a dilemna when that Matts invites me down to his boat for the weekend and mentions that he's chartered a jet to collect me from Staverton (aka Glos airport, spitting distance from home). Some hope!

Regards, Pete

P.S. Still not forgiven you for IR35 and ruining all my fun.

 

[Guest]

Re: tee hee

I am most sorry bout the IR35, but nothing to do with me. Anyway, you can get yerown easyjet, surely? Otherwise there'd be a gift possibly in excees of 7 grand oops sorry.

As for airyplane safety, farnborough-aircraft.com has lots of stuff bout how safe they are, relative to er other things.

I am gonna have to change my name again, dang.

 

[petem]

Popular misconception....

that gifts over £7k are automatically taxable. I think that they count as part of the donors estate and are subject inheritance tax only if the donor dies within x number of years of making the gift. Husband to wife gifts are obviously exempt. But you knew all that didn't you!

How much is Easyjet to Nice? I could probably run to £29 each way as long as you don't tell SWMBO.

By the way I thought of a few more Jet victims:-
Payne Stewart (the golfer) - dead creepy crash.
Also JFK junior.

Still, everything in moderation, probably got more chance of being killed by hitting a flying duck on the jetski!

 

[Guest]

Re: Popular misconception....

and graham hill, glenn miller, fats domino and john denver. Thereby proving that only famous people get killed in the planes and not nobody's.

This also supports the rule that if you EVER get on a plane and find a famous person on it, you must disembark immediately- not because of the likelihood of a crash per se, but because of the awful ignominy of your death where you would be one of the "others". As in "Famous, Well-loved and Very Important Person (and 223 others) die in plane crash".

 

[longjohnsilver]

Re: Popular misconception....

£3k and 7 years.

 

[Guest]

Re: Popular misconception....

Agreed on that. You would be left in the worst possible state - "Gone but forgotten" -
at least if you go down in a light aircraft without anybody famous on board you will be mentioned - so you are in the slightly better state - "Gone but not forgotten" - thats the one most people want to achieve.

However - I'd stay off them altoghether - I'd prefer to be "Forgotten but not gone" !

louis