orion21
New member
The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her
ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. 'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?' her husband demanded.
'Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's £50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. 'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'
He reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's £20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!'
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
'Sweet mudder of Jasus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?'
She too explains, 'You dinnae give me enough money tae be able tae affarrd any.'
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love o' Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, 'ere's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit.'
A blonde woman, tired with being labeled stupid, decides to dye her hair black and leave her town. As she drives off she notices a shepherd with his sheep.
She stops, walks to the shepherd, and says "If I guess how many sheep you have, will you give me one?". The shepherd says yes, thinking she wouldn't guess.
After a few hours she shouts "207!". The shepherd says "Oh well, you can choose one".
She chooses one and is about to drive off with it when the shepherd says "If I can guess the real colour of your hair, will you let me have my dog back?"
This guy walks into a bar down in a quiet Yorkshire town and orders a mudslide. The bartender looks at the man and says "You're not from round here are ya?"
"No" replied the man, "I'm from Brighton." The bartender looks at him and syas "Well what do you do in Brighton?"
"I'm a taxidermist." said the man. The bartender, looking very bewildered, now asked "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?" The man looked at the bar tender and said "Well, I mount dead animals."
The bartender stands back and says to the whole bar which is staring at him "It's okay, boys! He's one of us!
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband one morning. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful...CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. Too MANY! Turn them over. Turn them over NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! Where are we going to get more BUTTER!? Great! Now they're going to STICK! Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You never listen to me when you're cooking! NEVER! Turn them over! Hurry UP! Are you crazy? Have you lost your MIND? Don't forget to salt them. You KNOW you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. The SALT! Use the SALT!"
His wife just stared at him. "What in the hell is the matter with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like to have you sitting next to me when I'm driving."
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of 50 pence.
Murphy said, "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all." Murphy replied, "Don't worry -- just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson whisky.
Shamus said, "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!"
Murphy replied with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!"
They downed their drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk all for free.
At the tenth pub, Shamus said, "Murphy, I don't think I can do any more o'this. Me knees are killin' me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub."
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ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. 'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?' her husband demanded.
'Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'
The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's £50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. 'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'
He reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's £20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!'
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
'Sweet mudder of Jasus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?'
She too explains, 'You dinnae give me enough money tae be able tae affarrd any.'
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love o' Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, 'ere's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit.'
A blonde woman, tired with being labeled stupid, decides to dye her hair black and leave her town. As she drives off she notices a shepherd with his sheep.
She stops, walks to the shepherd, and says "If I guess how many sheep you have, will you give me one?". The shepherd says yes, thinking she wouldn't guess.
After a few hours she shouts "207!". The shepherd says "Oh well, you can choose one".
She chooses one and is about to drive off with it when the shepherd says "If I can guess the real colour of your hair, will you let me have my dog back?"
This guy walks into a bar down in a quiet Yorkshire town and orders a mudslide. The bartender looks at the man and says "You're not from round here are ya?"
"No" replied the man, "I'm from Brighton." The bartender looks at him and syas "Well what do you do in Brighton?"
"I'm a taxidermist." said the man. The bartender, looking very bewildered, now asked "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?" The man looked at the bar tender and said "Well, I mount dead animals."
The bartender stands back and says to the whole bar which is staring at him "It's okay, boys! He's one of us!
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband one morning. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful...CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. Too MANY! Turn them over. Turn them over NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! Where are we going to get more BUTTER!? Great! Now they're going to STICK! Careful...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You never listen to me when you're cooking! NEVER! Turn them over! Hurry UP! Are you crazy? Have you lost your MIND? Don't forget to salt them. You KNOW you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. The SALT! Use the SALT!"
His wife just stared at him. "What in the hell is the matter with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like to have you sitting next to me when I'm driving."
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of 50 pence.
Murphy said, "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all." Murphy replied, "Don't worry -- just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson whisky.
Shamus said, "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!"
Murphy replied with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!"
They downed their drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk all for free.
At the tenth pub, Shamus said, "Murphy, I don't think I can do any more o'this. Me knees are killin' me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub."
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