It's friday lets have a laugh !!

[LittleShip]

It\'s friday lets have a laugh !!

After digging to a depth of 100m last year, Russian scientists found
traces
of copper wiring dating back 1000 years, and came to the conclusion that
their ancestors already had a telephone network one thousand years ago.

So as not to be outdone, in the weeks that followed, American scientists
dug 200m, and headlines in the US newspapers read:
"US scientists have found traces of 2000 year old optical fibres, and
have concluded that their ancestors already had advanced high-tech
digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the Russians."

One week later, the Irish press reported the following: "After digging
as
deep as 500m, Irish scientists have found absolutely nothing." They have
concluded that 5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using mobile
phones."

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[Goodge]

Jelly baby

A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie. After a
few beers the Smartie says "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that
new club, fancy tagging along?"

The Jelly Baby says "No mate, I'm a soft centre; I always end up getting my head kicked in."

So Smartie says "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you."

Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says "Fair enough, as
long as you'll look after me", and off they go.

After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table.

The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him,
breaking bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh. After a while they get bored and walk out.

Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and wipes up his Jelly Baby blood and turns to Smartie and says "I thought you were going to look after me................"

"I was", says Smartie, "but those Lockets are menthol!"

 

[Colin_S]

For our friend north of the border

A wee Glesga woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, found it somewhat below normal, and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed. "Breast fed," she replied.
Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "ah'm his Granny, but I'm glad I came!"

**********************************

This bloke is sitting reading his Daily Record newspaper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
"Whit wis that fur?" he cries.
"That wis for the piece of paper in yir trooser pockets with the name Mary-Rose written oan it," said she.

"Don't be daft," he explains, "two weeks ago when I went to the races Mary-Rose wis the name of one o'the horses I bet on."
She seems satisfied and, apologises, and goes off to do work around the house.
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him again with the frying pan, knocking him out cold.

When he comes around, he says, "whit the hell wis that fur?"
"Your horse phoned!" she said.

***********************************

A Glesga woman from Glasgow's west-end was staying in a hotel in Edinburgh, she phoned room service for some pepper.
"Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
"Toilet pepper!" yelled the woman!

**********************************

A wee Glesga boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play.

'Wonderful. Whit part is it?'
The boy says,'I play the part of the Scottish husband.'
The mother scowls and says, 'Go back an' tell that teacher you want a
speaking part!

 

[janeK]

Re: For our friend north of the border

URGENT VIRUS NOTICE

There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand.
This virus is called WORK.
If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT.

This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take 2 good friends to the nearest pub. Purchase the antidote known as WINE.
The quickest acting is called CHARDONNAY but this is only available for those who
can afford it, the NHS equivalent is BLUE NUN.

Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from
your system.

Forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life. This virus is DEADLY.

Update 03-01-05: after extensive testing it has been concluded that BEER may
be substituted for WINE but may require a more generous application

 

[benjenbav]

Re: Jelly baby

Same story but swap:

red tarmac for jelly baby

concrete for smartie

green tarmac for locket

Punchline: "That green tarmac, it's a cycle path"

 

[Beagle]

Re: It\'s friday lets have a laugh !!

There was this one time that Mickey was having problems with Minnie, so he decided to file for divorse.

During the first hearing, the judge ask Mickey this question: "So, you want to divorse Minnie because she is f#cking crazy?"

Whereupon Mickey answeres: "No your Honor, I would like to divorse Minnie because she is f#cking Goofy!"

 

[jhr]

Re: It\'s friday lets have a laugh !!

A blonde (sorry....) was deep in debt and, in desperation, decided that she would resort to kidnap to raise some cash. Noticing that the woman across the road had a large car, expensive jewellery and a small son, she grabbed the boy one day, and dragged him into her house.

"Go across to your mum's house" she said, "and tell her that I've kidnapped you, and she must give you £5,000 to bring back across to me before I let you go".

Somewhat nonplussed, the little boy crossed the road and went into his mum's house. Ten minutes later, he was back, carrying an envelope containing £5,000.00 in cash and a note from his mother:

"Here is the £5,000.00; please let my little boy go. I am horrified that you could be so heartless as to do this to a fellow blonde"................

 

[Althorne]

Re: It\'s friday lets have a laugh !!

Definition of TESTICULATING - Waving your arms around and talking B*ll*cks.
-----------------------------
ASSMOSIS - The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.
-----------------------------
Do you have a friend called BOBFOC - Body of Baywatch, Face of Crimewatch.

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[Rowana]

Re: It\'s friday lets have a laugh !!

[ QUOTE ]

Do you have a friend called BOBFOC - Body of Baywatch, Face of Crimewatch.


[/ QUOTE ]

New a girl once who was very Melancholy - Head like a Mellon and a face like a Collie ! !

 

[Sammo]

Re: It\'s friday lets have a laugh !!

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"