Husband Store opens in Bristol Channel

[sb99]

A store that sells new husbands has opened on the edge of the Bristol Channel, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.


She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

"That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more."
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids,
and Are Extremely Good Looking

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.


"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak and never talk about boats.


She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.


The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.



The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
/forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif

 

[tonybarebones]

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?.

 

[sb99]

The Sharing Of Marriage

The sharing of marriage...

The old man placed order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sha ring everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered












"THE TEETH."

 

[tonybarebones]

Re: The Sharing Of Marriage

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child
"So what do you think about that Doc ?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season."

One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."

"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."

"Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said ,
"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied , "My point exactly." /forums/images/graemlins/smirk.gif

 

[sb99]

Re: The Sharing Of Marriage

Puts my parking into perspective

 

[tonybarebones]

Re: The Sharing Of Marriage

Bank letter

A 98 year old woman wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it

amusing enough to have it published in The Times.



Dear Sir,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I

endeavoured to pay my plumber last month.

By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his

presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed

to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my

Pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight

years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of

opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for

the inconvenience caused to your bank.





My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has

caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I

personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to

contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,

pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.



From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood

person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no

longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed

personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must

nominate.



Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person

to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact

Status which I require your chosen employee to complete.



I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much

about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be

countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/ her

financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be

accompanied by documented proof.



In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she

must quote in dealings with me.



I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have

modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my

account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is

the sincerest form of flattery.



Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press

buttons as follows:

1-- To make an appointment to see me.

2-- To query a missing payment.

3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer

is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to

the Authorized Contact.)

8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 8

9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put

on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music

will play for the duration of the call.



Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an

establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.



May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.



Your Humble Client



(Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman; DOESN'T SHE MAKE YOU

PROUD!!?)

 

[Sneds]

Re: The Sharing Of Marriage

Fantastic! Can't wait to use it /forums/images/graemlins/wink.gif

 

[sb99]

Why

1. Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries
are getting weak?

2. Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there
is not enough?

3. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars,
but check when you say the paint is wet?

4. Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

5. Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

6. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

7. Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw
a revolver at him?

8. Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

9. Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

10. If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

11. Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles
are always white?

12. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

13. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that
something new to eat will have materialized?

14. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their
vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down
to give the vacuum one more chance?

15. Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?

16. How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

17. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a
shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all
right?" Well, it isn't all right so Why don't we say, "That hurt, you
stupid idiot?"

18. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling
off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

19. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer
when we complained about the heat?

20. How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

21. If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your
wife told you to do it?

22. And obviously if at first you don't succeed, then don't take up sky
diving!

23. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is
suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best
friends, if they're okay, then it's you.