Hurt, dissappointed, upset, confused

[claymore]

I'd just like to say thank you to everyone who made this such a wonderful weekend for me. My boss for letting me slide out of work a tad early on Friday, Jimi's mobile answerphone for keeping me company as I tracked south along tthe A34. That lovely wee polis lady who directed me from HMS Dolphin around to the ferry port via a hundred marinas.
The captain of the P&O ferry who let me use his VHF to call up Glen Rosa - to no avail. The Douaniers of Cherbourg for translating - "Glen Rosa - It's owned by ma wee ecossais pal and there's aboot 11 boats an a Ceilidh full o'crew - they must be here by noo"
The nice laddie behind the bar of the return ferry who seemed to understand the woes of a jack tar who'd become separated from his shipmates.
Dear Heart for being so nice when I got home a day early and saying 'Never mind ma wee Sunbeam, at least that means we can get the hedges done - try and be a brave little soldier - there's bound to be an explanation"
So ye bunch O' backstabbin malingerers - Whit d'ye haf tae sae fer yersels an where dae a claim ma £22 fit passenger fee back frae?

<hr width=100% size=1>regards
Claymore
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[Bejasus]

Fer Goad's sake Claysie, the post definately said October. Ye need tae get yersel an edukushun in celestial timekeepin d'ye ken. Whaur did ye effer see 27 September.

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[Ohdrat]

Oh don't be like that ... Jimi posted last night.. frightfully worried 'cus he'd lost you.. I suggested he look in Cherbourg's bordellos 'cus I thought you might be there saving wimin... I thought he'd lost you overboard mid channel and you'd swum ashore.. Robinson Crusoe like..

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[claymore]

Noo see hear, whit yer siggestin isnae passible - ah've hed a big star oan ra wallchairt ever sin this hooley was talked aboot. We've yin o thy timeless calenders an a' ye need tae dae is wairk oot hoo mony days or weekens it is tae somethin then stick yer cross oan ra square an say whet it is. Last years yin says Boat weekend, 2000 - i.e. ra year afore also says boat weeken' sae dis the yin before which wid be 1998 sae ye kin see it isnae me - Ah'm allus oan ra boat this weeken - sae it has tae be youse ye great disorganised bunch o' half wits. Hoo dae ye manage tae live yer lives like this eh - tell me that - ye must be late fer everythin ye dae - in fact, no' jes late - there mist be loads o' times when ye jes fail tae turn up - like this weeken - an et wis sic a grand crossin tae - smooth as a bairnies bum - whit a shame fer ye's a'.
I think ah'm goin tae hae tae tak ye's a' in hond an gie ye ra benefit o'ma skulls and knowledge wi yin life management an 'at
jings - es ef ah'm no busy enough

<hr width=100% size=1>regards
Claymore
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[jimi]

Weel ah'm awfie copnfused as weel, ah goat yer messages and rushed doon ra boat an single honded across tae Cherbourg tae catch ye .. an ah've goat tae say Ah took leeberties .. leeberties in ra sea lanes trying tae make up time .. ah've nbn in every bar an' bordello lookin fur ye. Troble wiz ah'd knock oan ra dair an say "Avez vous un eccossais dans votre establishment" et le response etat " Mais oui nous avez trez ou quatre" et par le temps j'ai investigetee et etat trez sociable mais pas vous mais j'ai un bon temps mais je suis trez knackered maintenant. Mais je le retour parce que il fait beau. J'espere que vous aidez!

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[claymore]

Tha\'s terrible

Jamsie - can ye efer fergive me? tae pit youse tae sec trouble an a' they shebeens an youse wi tha' impediment an talkin' froggie too.
Hoo can a' mak it up tae ye - ef youse cuid see yer way tae re-arrangin anither trip - say in a couple o weeks time tae let yin lassie in ra petit choufleur calm doon bit - we cuid try it a' agin an see where it a' went wrang? Whit d'ye say ? tell youse whit, tae show tha' on ma pairt there's nae ull feelin - bring Para alang an yer wee pal Tam an we'll hef a rare auld time - so we wull.

<hr width=100% size=1>regards
Claymore
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[jimi]

Re: Tha\'s terrible

Weel ah dinnae ken aboot that .. ah'm still in Cherbourg an' may be oot o' circoolaishun fur some time. Ah wiz a la Fifi's dans La Rue Regret when the Gendarmerie rolled up, to my eternal regret I had a stuffed up nose and unfortunately it sort of tickled and an Oink Oink came out! They wiz not amused... Ah've got nae proof o' identeety either an they say they cannie underston a word ah'm saying and are deporting me back tae Albania ... help!

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[Bejasus]

Re: Tha\'s terrible

If ah kin find Glen Rosa kin ah keep her? Jist tae mind efter her durin yer period o' deporation, ye ken. See, haen nae experience in these matters, ah widnae ken whether ane Bav/Ben/Jen, wis better than anither, therefore ma ignorance could be excused. Mind, ah'll need tae hide her awa fae the missus.

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[Gunfleet]

Jimi,
if you use Scots as inaccurately as you use French, I think I may have got to the bottom of why I can't understand yours and Claymore's exchanges.
John

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[Spyro]

I'm confused as well weren't you a bit of the well beaten track if you were on the A34? Isn't that just south of manchester? Are you sure it was Cherbourg you went to?

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[StugeronSteve]

Re: Au Secour!

Quel dommage, notre ami Jimi, est banged up dans le commmissariat de police en Cherbourg.

It must take at least a fortnight to arrange deportation to Albania, especially as the froggies will have to convince the Albanians that it is their best interest to have him, so we've got plenty of time to get him out. We need to come up with a plausible reason for his being in the Rue de Regret, explain his unusual behaviour and nasal utterings. By now we should have no problem convincing them that he is really just an inebriated Scottish lunatic and the oinking could be passed off as a stress induced flash back to his days as Pinky and Perky's stunt double. But his quest to find a bordellot offering the services of an Escossais? Je n'en ai pas la moindre idee!

The insanity plea needs to be served on Lt. Nique-Nique, Commissariat de Police, Rue de Bastarde, Cherbourg, in good time for the return trip. Let's get those thinking "chapaux sur nos tetes"!

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[BrendanS]

Re: Tha\'s terrible

Just been on the phone to Albanian embassy. Took a huge bribe, but their security forces will be happy to accept you and any other non english speaking haggis eaters, and have a squalid cell all lined up and padded, with extra cockroaches. Cost me a fortune, so I hope the forumites appreciate my efforts.

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[Gunfleet]

Re: Tha\'s terrible

I'm in for ten pee

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[BrendanS]

Re: Tha\'s terrible

Thank you. I'll send Pay Pal details. 10p up front, 100K to pay for [sigh]

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[ParaHandy]

aye ... he goat yon bit right ... efter jimi sounded ra alarm on friday ah hud ra road blocks set up oan ra A34 tae try and stop him ... mind, ra polis wurr none tae helpful until ah menshuned he wiz ra e-cauli wmd exshpert on ra run (litterally) .... that goat them running ..

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