Horrified !

[byron]

Last night's dinner for members of the Oxford Ditch wasn't that well attended with only about 30 people there. I assumed Brayman (Ian) moved from table to table to make it look like there were more people there until someone explained to me he was lost and trying to find his way back. (Poor old soul). Talking of old souls Pheran (Chris) was there too muttering away to himself while gazing blankly at his glass and giggling from time to time, no one knows why and I suspect he didn't know either. Chris_D was at my table with his wife (how do ugly gits get such tasty wives?) but I doubt if he will ever attend any more Ditch events. Chris is a new member and didn't know just how ancient and decrepid 99% of Ditch members are. Uncle Albert was noticeable by his absence I guess he was laying in a gutter somewhere asleep clutching a bottle. Lurker Stripp was at my table too. For those that don't know John Stripp reads the forum but never writes anything.
I of course was on my best behaviour as one would expect of someone with my breeding and character. I can say I was horrified at the drunken antics of the others including Chris_D who kept yelling "bring on the strippers" whilst standing on his chair and clutching his crotch suggestively.

 

[tyga]

/forums/images/graemlins/laugh.gif
I thought strippers were more common on sea-going craft - I gather from another forum that they can be the cause of strange groaning noises /forums/images/graemlins/smirk.gif

 

[TrueBlue]

[ QUOTE ]
....Chris_D who kept yelling "bring on the strippers" whilst standing on his chair and clutching his crotch suggestively.

[/ QUOTE ]

Of course the other interpretation could be that - in view of his intake of alcoholic fluids he had urgent need of "the facilities", but wished to view the strippers first?

It does not bode well for the decorum of the TVR in May...

BTW are you going?

 

[Brayman]

The TVR progrsmmes and booking forms are currently being sent out, there is nothing in them that forbids Byron being Byron.
Ask him the content of the speach coupled with the toast to the club.
As for me, I knew exactly where I was and what I was doing - trying to pinch Eilee's raffle tickets as she always wins something, and she did - I didn't, so what's new!
I thought it a bit unkind to put Chris_D on Byron's table and just hope he survived the evening unscathed.

 

[Sammo]

Well Byron I would have loved to be there but I`m laid up with flu at the moment and confined to barracks. So I wrote a ditty to cheer myself up.



Life presents a gloomy picture,
house is dismal like a tomb,
Father has a colon failure,
Mother has a fallen womb,
Uncle Sid has just been banged up,
following a life of crime,
And my daughters just aborted,
for the 27th time.

The toilet in the backyards blocked up
How it happened I don’t know
Sister hasn’t been for ages
An she’s now.. starting to show.
Mother asked her “when’s the baby”
An she starts to knit a wrap,
But we all know she`s not pregnant.
And she’s only full of crap.

Brother John is on the social
He has never had a job
Once I thought that I`d be helpful
an tried to get him in the mob
marched him down to the careers
they told him “let it all hang loose”
but he failed to pass the medic
seems he hasn’t got a pulse.

Life presents a gloomy picture,
of that fact there is no doubt,
Auntie Brenda has just farted,
turned our stomachs inside-out,
And the staffy is no better,
with it's epileptic fits,
every time he coughs - he farts,
an every time he farts - he sh!ts.

I’m in bed with influenza,
I’m at deaths door… wait and see..
I’m told the dog’s just ate my dinner,
wonder what I’ve got for tea.
Now the cats just brought a mouse in
Lucky sod...she’s got some food
I won’t try to take it off her,
Only puts her in a mood.

……..


Woke today the sun is shining
Things look better, I`m alive
I can`t wait to load the car up
Looking forward to the drive
A bit of sun makes all the difference
Gives you joy and gives you hope
Now looking forward to the season
Living life down on the boat.


/forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif

…

 

[byron]

[ QUOTE ]

Ask him the content of the speech coupled with the toast to the club.
As for me, I knew exactly where I was and what I was doing - trying to pinch Eilee's raffle tickets as she always wins something, and she did - I didn't, so what's new!


[/ QUOTE ]
Firstly, you know I couldn't hear the speech because I was outside having a fag. Secondly, how many times do I have to explain it to you Ian. You have to buy a ticket to win the raffle.

 

[silvertop]

/forums/images/graemlins/laugh.gif
nice one u/a havent laughed so much for ages.
/forums/images/graemlins/laugh.gif

 

[pheran]

Ah..................but what we lacked in quantity at this geriatric gathering, we certainly made up for in quality, your good self excepted of course. And fancy not telling me our new members were Mr & Mrs chris_d. Doh! I was driving that night which probably accounted for my somewhat untypical behaviour. I find that not drinking tends to have the same effect on me as drinking does on others!

 

[Chris_d]

Well just got back to a pc and have now fully recovered from the shock, I don't think me and swmbo were quite ready for the ditch, a truly amazing gathering of characters. I'm afraid advancing years was just an excuse to party on, Byron for instance claimed he needed his food cutting up for him, and the nubile young south african waitress of course had to sit on his lap to reach the food,..... I'll have to remember that one..

It was all actualy a bit confusing.... a one point we were all asked to stand up and toast Helen Mirran, presumably to celebrate her recent oscar success in the Queen, or was it someone else?? Anyway we were then regaled with tales of navigating through F7 storms and desparate attempts to locate navigation marks on a particuarly exposed streach of river above Reading, all stirring stuff.

Byron was of course the life and soul, he entertained us with stories of daring do and magic tricks... pulling the table cloth from under the dinner service was impressive enough, but when he hovered a napkin six inches above his crotch with hands behind his back we were truly impressed, although Eileen did seem a little embarrassed at this point.

I can only apologise for the missunderstanding over the strippers, I must have misinterpreted the various winks, nervous twitches, nudges and gestures from other members, I think now I was actualy being asked to buy a tie from the stripp..s , Mr and Mrs that is and err.. not something else... anyway I can now pm the phone number of the only gay in the club if anybody else is interested.

We look forward to future events /forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif

 

[byron]

Don't worry about the Strippers. Oxford Ditchers will automatically assume you mean those things you put under the boat to shred ropes. Talk to Ditchers about sex and they think of paper sacks and mail sacks.

 

[Brayman]

[quote You have to buy a ticket to win the raffle.

[/ QUOTE ]
Well Eileen did offer to sell me hers when she was leaving, perhaps I should have bought them for next time.

 

[DorsetPete]

I always thought sex is what posh people had their coal delivered in...