early friday humour

steve28

Active member
Joined
19 May 2003
Messages
1,480
Location
Cornwall
www.falmouthgypsy.com
A solution to all of your drinking troubles


Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.

Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.

Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.



Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.

Fault: Glass is empty.

Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.



Symptom: Feet cold and wet.

Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.

Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.



Symptom: Feet warm and wet.

Fault: Loss of self-control.

Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.



Symptom: Bar blurred.

Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.

Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.



Symptom: Bar swaying.

Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.

Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.



Symptom: Bar moving.

Fault: You are being carried out.

Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.



Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.

Fault: You have fallen over backwards.

Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.



Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.

Fault: You have fallen over forwards.

Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.



Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.

Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.

Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.



Symptom: Everything has gone dim.

Fault: The pub is closing.

Solution: Panic.








Its old, not my work but funny all the same
 

BlueChip

Active member
Joined
24 Aug 2004
Messages
4,849
Location
Bucks/Plymouth
Visit site
A couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant. They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef's special chicken surprise.

The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Jesus, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.

He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and this time he sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid firmly slams back down.

Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over and explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

"Well sir", says the waiter, "What did you order?"

"We both chose the same", he replies, "the chicken surprise".

"Oh I do apologise, this is my fault" says the waiter.................

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...................."I've brought you the Peeking Duck"
 

Swagman

New member
Joined
1 Feb 2005
Messages
1,444
Location
Based from the UK, try to get away on a boat for a
www.sailblogs.com
Two pals used to go out to the local dance every Friday, trying to pull the ladies. Never did well. One had a really bad leg, and the other a humpy back.

Last Friday at 10 pm the chap with the humpy back said 'I'm fed up with this each week - I'm off home' and left.

He walked across the road, up the hill, past the churchyard and was abreast of a big gravestone when WHAM
out jumped a little hobbly goblin.

'What's that on you back?' asked the goblin
'It's my hump' said the guy.
'Well give it to me then' said the goblin as it snatched it away - and ran off into the dark.

The chap could not believe it - standing upright for the first time in 30 years. He swung his arms around, turned and went straight back down to the dance.

His pal with the bad leg saw him on the dancefloor jigging along with the girls - and dragged his leg over to ask what had happened. Between dances his pal explained.

'Right' said the guy with the bad leg 'I'm off home then'.

He dragged his leg across the road, up the hill, past the church and level with the big gravestone and WHAM
out jumped the little hobbly goblin.

The guy smiled.

The hobbly goblin tilted his head and and asked 'What's that on you back then?'

'Why nothing' said the chap.
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'Well, you'd better have this hump then'.
 
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