Donegal Farmers nb

[AndCur]

>
> > A big city Dublin lawyer went duck hunting in rural Donegal. He shot
> > and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the
other
> > side of a fence.
> > As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on
> > his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded,
> > "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and
nowI'm
> > going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property
> > and
> you
> > are not coming over here."
> > The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in
Dublin
> > and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take
> > everything
> you
> > own." The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know
> > how we settle disputes in Donegal . We settle small disagreements
> > like this
with
> > the Donegal Three Kick Rule."
> > The lawyer asked, "What is the Donegal Three Kick Rule?" The farmer
> > replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first
I
> > kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back
> > and forth until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought
> > about the proposed contest and decided that
> he
> > could easily take
> > the old codger.
> > He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly
> > climbed
down
> > from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
> > His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot
> > into
the
> > lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.
> > His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing
> > from
> his
> > mouth.
> > The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his
> > rear
> end
> > sent him face-first into a fresh cow pat.
> > The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his
feet.
> > Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old
coot.
> > Now it's my turn."
> > The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the
> > duck."
> >


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[mirabriani]

Old jokes are best

Girl goes for interview as a secretary
Boss explains "I wants a "personal" secretary, do you understand?
"Yes sir I understand" she says they agree to an hourly rate of £6
Boss explains "On your desk is a green light and a red light
When you see green light come into my office with notepad for dictation
When you see the red light, strip off and lay on couch"

On the first monday at work 9 o/c the red light comes on
Secretary rushes in starkers and duly lays on couch
After 10 minutes boss says "Thankyou very much, here's a pound your fired"!

I think it was '60's vintage

Regards Briani


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[orion21]

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer at Asda. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five pounds.....a lot quicker and better than a doctor".

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Asda. He deposits five pounds, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks".

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurried back to Asda, eager to check what would happen. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never
get better....

.......thank you for shopping at Asda


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[mirabriani]

Brilliant LOL

Briani

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