Declaration of Revocation


Well-known member
18 Jun 2001
In the far North
To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.

Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium." Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'; skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters.
You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."
You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary." Using the same thirty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "uhh", "like", and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
Look up "interspersed."
There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier).
You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents --- Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.
While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters.
British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. SPORTS: You should stop playing American "football." There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.
The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).
We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005.
You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call 'French fries' are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.
Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon -- get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.


Well-known member
3 Jul 2002
At sea somewhere.
When Bill Clinton was President, and I was sailing in the US, I remember John Cleese going on a US chat show.

"What's the difference between US and England?" the host said.

John Cleese replied, "I think there are three. Firstly, when we have a world series, we let other countries take part. Secondly, we speak English. And finally, when you meet our head of state you only have to go down on one knee."

I will put in one personal plea for the US. Please can you sometimes make bread that hasn't got sweetener in it. I don't care if its white or brown or whatever - just no more sugar/molasses/whatever in the bread!!!


New member
7 Dec 2002
At last - common sense on YBW

Never before has your submission been so accurate.

Can I be the Minister for America and immediately rename the Ministry - "The Ministry for our Territories in the West"

I must take issue over retriing waitresses - they should learn to be as helpful as ours.



New member
1 Feb 2005
Emsworth Hants.
Let them keep it. Making the U.S. part of the U.K. would mean they can come over here to live!
If it’s all the same to you....NO THANKS!

As for using a dictionary, you would have to send detailed instruction on how to open it first! Oh and don’t forget to tell them that it might hurt if they drop it on their toes, it’s not a good idea to eat it, it cannot cook or drive!

Sorry, but any country who’s people have little or no common sense and who's judges can rule against a motor-home manufacturer, because some complete idiot, whilst driving one, put the cruise control on and went back to make a coffee or something....obviously it crashed! as anyone with an ounce of sense would expect!
He sued the company and won, because they didn’t tell him he couldn’t do it. Durrrr!

No thanks! Let them stay where they are!


New member
27 Mar 2002
I\'m in Cambridge, boat\'s at Titchmarsh marina, W
<Sorry, but any country who’s people have little or no common sense and who's judges can rule against a motor-home manufacturer, because some complete idiot, whilst driving one, put the cruise control on and went back to make a coffee or something....obviously it crashed! as anyone with an ounce of sense would expect! >

Some people will believe anything that they read!


New member
1 Feb 2005
Emsworth Hants.
Yes I do believe it…. We were sued because someone lost their hand whilst trying to stop the rope entering an electric self-tailing winch! Yes she thought she could stop the winch by pulling in the other direction. It cost the company a lot of money!!

One example of many!
Whilst demonstrating an electric Anchor Windlass to a customer on the stand at the Miami boat show.

Q. Show me how this electric Anchor winch works?
A You have 2 buttons to operate it sir. One UP and one DOWN. So to lower the anchor you press the DOWN button and to raise the anchor you press the UP button. At the same time Pressing buttons clearly marked UP and DOWN to demonstrate (this was a working demo the unit was powered up).

Q but how do I know which way it will go when I press the button?
A. OK. To make the anchor come UP you must press the UP button and to lower the anchor you must press the Down Button. Again demonstrating.

Q. yes, but how do I know which way it will go when I press the button- If I press this button, will I go UP or DOWN?
A. That’s the UP button, so it will come UP.

Q, So if I press it again will it go DOWN?
A. No sir it will come UP.

Q. So how do I make it go DOWN?
A. You press the DOWN button!

Q. Oh…. it has 2 buttons?
A, Yes sir!

Having spent some time working over there……I BELIEVE IT!