ArthurWood
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It's that time again! The awards this year are classic. These awards
are given each year to bestow upon (the remains of) that individual,
who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove
undesirable elements from the human gene pool. We present the 2001
"Natural Selection"
awards:
5th RUNNER-UP: Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when he
hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down
the slope on a foam pad. The 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced
dead at Central Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m.,
the Mono County Sheriff's Department said.
Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump
Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt.
Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are
used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently
used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a
tower. It has since been investigated and determined the tower he hit
was the one with its pad removed.
4th RUNNER-UP: Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being
disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call
the police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and
walked out without paying.
Police found him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics
removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him to
death.
3rd RUNNER-UP: Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a
stag standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed
instantly when it fell on him.
2nd RUNNER-UP: "Man loses face at party." A man at a West Virginia
party, (probably related to the winner last year, a man in Arkansas
who used the 22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pickup truck) popped
a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion
that blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of
Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday
night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium
hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it."
"It wouldn't go off and this guy said I'll show you how to set it
off." He put it into his mouth, bit down and it blew all his teeth out
and his lips and tongue off, Payne said. Stromyer was listed in
guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according
to a spokesperson at Charleston Area Medical Division.
"I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne said.
> >
1st RUNNER-UP: Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon
man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and
will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his
right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club,
Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men
Anonymous) in Grant's Pass, Oregon.
A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered
Robert's right eye. Doctors said that had the arrow gone 1 millimeter
to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts
would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny Delashaw at the
University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10
inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet
somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said
that had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely
would have killed himself.
Roberts admitted afterwards that he and his friends had been drinking
that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this." No charges
have been filed, but the Josephine County district attorney's office
said the initiation stunt is under investigation.
THIS YEAR'S WINNER: (The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the
late) Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided to attend
a local Metallica concert at the George Washington amphitheatre.
Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers between them), they thought
it would be easy to "hop" over the nine foot fence and sneak into the
show.
They pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was for
Mr.Pernicky, who was 100-pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins) to hop the
fence and then assist his friend over. Unfortunately for (the late)
Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the other side of the
fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through
a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm)
by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the
tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him.
Possibly figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his
pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from
he tree. Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly bushes. The
sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without the protection
of his shorts, a holly branch penetrated his rectum.
To make matters worse, on landing, his pocket knife penetrated his
thigh.
Mr. Hawkins, on seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony,
decided to throw him a rope and pull him to safety by tying the rope
to the pickup truck and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken
haste/state, he put the truck into reverse and crashed through the
fence landing on his friend and killing him.
Police arrived to find the crashed pickup with its driver thrown 100
feet from the truck and dead at the scene from massive internal
injuries. Upon moving the truck, they found John under it,
half-naked, scratches on his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a
knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25-feet
in the air.
Congratulations gentlemen, you win
are given each year to bestow upon (the remains of) that individual,
who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove
undesirable elements from the human gene pool. We present the 2001
"Natural Selection"
awards:
5th RUNNER-UP: Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when he
hit a lift tower at the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down
the slope on a foam pad. The 22-year old David Hubal was pronounced
dead at Central Mammoth Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m.,
the Mono County Sheriff's Department said.
Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump
Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt.
Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are
used to protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently
used the pads to slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a
tower. It has since been investigated and determined the tower he hit
was the one with its pad removed.
4th RUNNER-UP: Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being
disorderly in a St. Louis market. When the clerk threatened to call
the police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog, shoved it into his mouth and
walked out without paying.
Police found him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics
removed the six-inch wiener from his throat where it had choked him to
death.
3rd RUNNER-UP: Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a
stag standing above him on an overhanging rock and was killed
instantly when it fell on him.
2nd RUNNER-UP: "Man loses face at party." A man at a West Virginia
party, (probably related to the winner last year, a man in Arkansas
who used the 22 bullet to replace the fuse in his pickup truck) popped
a blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion
that blew off his lips, teeth, and tongue. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of
Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during the party late Tuesday
night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had it in an aquarium
hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it."
"It wouldn't go off and this guy said I'll show you how to set it
off." He put it into his mouth, bit down and it blew all his teeth out
and his lips and tongue off, Payne said. Stromyer was listed in
guarded condition Wednesday with extensive facial injuries, according
to a spokesperson at Charleston Area Medical Division.
"I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that," Payne said.
> >
1st RUNNER-UP: Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon
man shot through the skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and
will be released soon from the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his
right eye last weekend during an initiation into a men's rafting club,
Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known now as Stupid Mountain Men
Anonymous) in Grant's Pass, Oregon.
A friend tried to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered
Robert's right eye. Doctors said that had the arrow gone 1 millimeter
to the left, a major blood vessel would have been cut and Roberts
would have died instantly. Neurosurgeon Doctor Johnny Delashaw at the
University Hospital in Portland said the arrow went through 8 to 10
inches of brain with the tip protruding at the rear of his skull, yet
somehow managed to miss all major blood vessels. Delashaw also said
that had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on his own he surely
would have killed himself.
Roberts admitted afterwards that he and his friends had been drinking
that afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this." No charges
have been filed, but the Josephine County district attorney's office
said the initiation stunt is under investigation.
THIS YEAR'S WINNER: (The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the
late) Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided to attend
a local Metallica concert at the George Washington amphitheatre.
Having no tickets (but having had 18 beers between them), they thought
it would be easy to "hop" over the nine foot fence and sneak into the
show.
They pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was for
Mr.Pernicky, who was 100-pounds heavier than Mr. Hawkins) to hop the
fence and then assist his friend over. Unfortunately for (the late)
Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the other side of the
fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through
a tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm)
by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the
tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him.
Possibly figuring the bushes would break his fall, he removed his
pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from
he tree. Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly bushes. The
sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without the protection
of his shorts, a holly branch penetrated his rectum.
To make matters worse, on landing, his pocket knife penetrated his
thigh.
Mr. Hawkins, on seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony,
decided to throw him a rope and pull him to safety by tying the rope
to the pickup truck and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken
haste/state, he put the truck into reverse and crashed through the
fence landing on his friend and killing him.
Police arrived to find the crashed pickup with its driver thrown 100
feet from the truck and dead at the scene from massive internal
injuries. Upon moving the truck, they found John under it,
half-naked, scratches on his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a
knife in his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25-feet
in the air.
Congratulations gentlemen, you win
