Cutting the ties

Slow_boat

Slow_boat

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We're in the process of clearing the house at the moment. Swmbo is finding that hard but harder still is leaving her aged parent for six months. he's got her 'eyes on the prize' and there is no doubt that she wants to go but the transition is hard for her, made worse by sisters who are telling her she's selfish.
My advice is not to try to justify our decision but to just say 'We hoped you'd support us but we're going anyway' No justification or arguments required.

Any advice?
 
When is a good time?

Either

-You are too poor and need to build a career
or
- the children are too young to be left
or
- the parents are too old to be left
or
- the grandchildren are to young to be left
or
- finally none of the above applies but.....you are too old/infirm to go

The bottom line is that we are all links in a family chain and unless you are prepared to break one then the family is destined(or blessed depending on your viewpoint) to stay in the same area for ever.

When we pulled up our roots we faced similar challenges. Some people wished us well and meant it, some wished us well but privately thought we were crazy and some were quite hostile. At first I couldn't understand why emotions ran so high, but then I came to understand that in choosing the liveaboard life we were in effect rejecting their chosen way of life and and was very threatening -albeit unintentionally so.

Stingo, of this parish, said at the time that "The hardest part of the journey is the road out of town" and you are finding this out - as we did!

I clung to the Mark twain quote below which I recently used on another post.

As a footnote we loved the liveaboard life but were dragged back by family responsibilities after a couple of years. The issues which brought us back are now resolved and we resume our life in a few short months. My only regret is that we didn't go sooner.

Mark Twain – throw off the bowlines

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do.

So throw off the bowlines.

Sail away from the safe harbor.

Catch the trade winds in your sails.

Explore.

Dream.

Discover.

– Mark Twain
 
We have similar feelings.

The only parent left now is my father in a good-very good-care home.

He is physically well but has early stage Altzhiemers. He is 91 and could easily be with us in 10 years time.

If First Mate and I want to sail away into the sunset we must do it while WE are physicaly able.

We have a lovely boat, we can manage financialy, but the responsibility for being around while Dad is still alive is difficult to come to terms with.

Tricky.
 
silver-fox said:
When is a good time?

Either

-You are too poor and need to build a career
or
- the children are too young to be left
or
- the parents are too old to be left
or
- the grandchildren are to young to be left
or
- finally none of the above applies but.....you are too old/infirm to go

The bottom line is that we are all links in a family chain and unless you are prepared to break one then the family is destined(or blessed depending on your viewpoint) to stay in the same area for ever.

When we pulled up our roots we faced similar challenges. Some people wished us well and meant it, some wished us well but privately thought we were crazy and some were quite hostile. At first I couldn't understand why emotions ran so high, but then I came to understand that in choosing the liveaboard life we were in effect rejecting their chosen way of life and and was very threatening -albeit unintentionally so.

Stingo, of this parish, said at the time that "The hardest part of the journey is the road out of town" and you are finding this out - as we did!

I clung to the Mark twain quote below which I recently used on another post.

As a footnote we loved the liveaboard life but were dragged back by family responsibilities after a couple of years. The issues which brought us back are now resolved and we resume our life in a few short months. My only regret is that we didn't go sooner.

Mark Twain – throw off the bowlines

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do.

So throw off the bowlines.

Sail away from the safe harbor.

Catch the trade winds in your sails.

Explore.

Dream.

Discover.

– Mark Twain
Click to expand...

pretty comprehensive answer IMHO. Go soon!!
 
Slow_boat said:
We're in the process of clearing the house at the moment. Swmbo is finding that hard but harder still is leaving her aged parent for six months. he's got her 'eyes on the prize' and there is no doubt that she wants to go but the transition is hard for her, made worse by sisters who are telling her she's selfish.
My advice is not to try to justify our decision but to just say 'We hoped you'd support us but we're going anyway' No justification or arguments required.

Any advice?
Click to expand...

Id say 90% of us have faced the same dilemma at some point in time , I still get it in the neck now , I got grief from my kids when i moved 90 miles away , i get grief now a thousand miles away..... difference is Im happy, the grief is the same !

Skype helped a lot with elderly but still bright parents,I bought an ipad and paid for a 12 month contract up front , chatting every day made it easier , assuming you have internet access whilst traveling of course.

Staying mainland europe and close to cheap air ways for now to make travel cheaper will help, beyond that, find a bar and drink until you drown out the voices in your head !
 
When my granddad heard I had bought a boat he was so angry he told me I would be written of his will. Buying a boat sounded so mad for a farmer who had never even had a horse.
If ploughing was needed, he asked his brother, that one had a cow who could pull the plough.
He worked until he was ninety, the last one having dogs pulling the wagon to and from the fields.
In the end granddad had lots of land, was relatively rich. When he died ( In a fight at 93 years old )
even my ex received some money. I did not, and could understand his thinking.
To me it was sort of easy to leave the family. I found work abroad, leaving the family for work was allowed. I stopped working for money and left for the Med at 48 so the problem of old parents did not exist. ( We breed at young age )
Once cruising I had a lot more contact with the family than when working. Had time now.
My brother still finds I should come back, find a job and help financing his pension.


I believe Silver-fox has it exactly right, even most fellow yachtsman are jealous in some way, many would like to have the courage to go cruising but prefer to stick to the sheltered life they know.
I was physically sick thinking of quitting my job, once it was done, I never thought of it again.

Before we left,we attended a yearly meeting organised by the biggest Dutch sailing magazine.
All readers planning to leave in the next year ware invited. When I explained we wanted to leave with an old ( 1946 ) small wooden sailing boat there was a lot of hilarity, all thought I was mad.

Now 15 years later, we are still cruising and even Swimbo thinks we should have gone earlier.
 
When we left my mother was a fit 85 with a good social network. I am an only child and felt a bit guilty about going but realised that we had to go then while still fit. I phoned once or twice a week, and we went back for Christmas and birthdays. Once we rented an apartment and she flew out to Spain for two weeks. She obviously missed me, but was happy that we were having an adventure.
Now she has died and I miss her, but I have never regretted what we did, as our life carries on.
Your partner's mother is lucky that there are two sisters there for her. Bearing in mind that you will be going back for part of the year anyway, tell the sisters to live with it!
 
It was ever thus. Here is my favourite quote from William Hazlitt (1778 -1830)

I should on this account like well enough to spend the whole of my life in travelling abroad, if I could borrow another life to spend at home.

Two words "anywhere" and "afterwards" removed from the original quote by Moi to make it read better.
 
We are heading this way in the next 2 years. Similarly we will be at home around half the year, and my 2 sisters will be told that we will do our annual fair share within that 6 month timescale, giving them a breather.

They will have to like it or lump it as if we don't go then at 54 and 57 then we can forget about ever going.

Skype makes things so much easier now (and mum skypes her grandchildren on her Ipad already) - our best friends' son has a 2 year contract in the Seychelles and they talk to him all the time - more than they would if he lived 20 miles away!

Go for it. If your family are nice people then you will go with their blessing. I will find out if my family are nice people soon!!
 
Six months is the blink of an eye in cruising terms.

Ignore them, just go. Invite the sisters to visit - I bet they don't. And when you return, they will hardly have noticed you had gone. Such is the pace of life these days.

10 days into the trip you will be wondering what all the fuss was about.
 
We became live aboards in April 1992. That lasted 6.5 years and then we had to return to the UK do to failing health of My parents and SHMBO's paretnts. We soldour floating home and bought property in UK. Saw parents off to the life there after and we worked hard saved hard and then bought another Yacht and started again as live aboards. We have recently just sold our Yacht again and are now permanant land lubbers.

So my advice GO FOR IT while you can. There is always a way and means to phone e-mail or even visit and if the time comes then you can be by his side when required.

Good luck

Peter
 
when we were getting ready to leave miami there were 8 boats getting ready to leave - 2 left and the others are still there 6 years later - you can not believe the number of people we have met as we sailed up and down the usa east coast 2 1/2 times that we met in bars (not sure how we visited that many bars but that is a different thread) or on docks that wished they had left but always had a reason not to and now are to old -
we met a lot of couples who were getting ready to leave but had to wait for one more grandchild birthday or something similar and we knew they would never leave
for us when we left friends congradulated us and half of my family does not talk to me any more as i should not be out here but back in the usa spending my dollars there -- they took me off their email list - i guess that is like being taken off the christmas card list - and to us that is their problem --

if you don't go now when are you going to go -- i will tell you - once this process stops the answer is never --

and a 6 month cruise is a summer - and that is a road trip across the europe - a lot of americans we know have this thing about cold weather and keep a house in the usa and a boat in the southern caribbean - they leave all and sail 6 months and then go back to dirt for 6 months -

good luck on getting out here
 
Leaving family, young and old, is really tough but there are times in your life when you need to be just a little selfish. If you don't go now, as has been noted above, there is a strong liklihood you never will. Unsupportive families are a problem, but with technology such as Skype, entertaining blogs etc. its possible for those not with you to share something of the adventure. Staying in Europe will have travel advantages to return home - further afield it becomes more expensive and sometimes challenging.

We left in 2009, still have 3 parents, 4 children and 5 grandchildren - we don't regret the decision and the family feel part of the adventure, though the cruising fund is almost depleted.

You will meet some amazing people who have adventures, stories and experiences to share that will often humble you. Don't miss it!

Go for it.....
 
As far as I can tell, unsupportive family seems to generally fall to three categories:
1) Selfish: Why should I be left looking after parent/grandparent/etc.
2) Jealous: Wish I was doing something like that, but I'll never admit it
3) Don't understand: I don't understand why they're doing this, so I'll be hostile towards it

I can sort of see No.1. Though, in my experience, those who look after parents/grandparents/etc. are usually in it for renumeration when they pop off. My aunt is in this position, living with grandmother and acting as her carer. She moans that it's not letting her get out there and be more productive/adventurous, but she has also mentioned that she is expecting to keep the house when she pops off...

No.2 I've seen on the other side of my family. My mother is from a small, at the time rural village/town in Spain. Father was there on business. When my mother left with father and subsequently got married, my aunt clearly became very jealous (seeing as she ended up marrying a local fisherman, pretty standard). When grandmother died and mum returned to claim a few bits and pieces (nothing of value, just sentimental items) aunt claimed she wasn't entitled to anything as she had left.

And no.3, well, that one we see all the time. When a person doesn't understand why you're doing something, they usually become hostile towards the idea. Seems to be a natural mechanism. You can try and explain it to them again, or just leave them to it and they'll eventually get over it. Probably.

Though we're in a different generation and our trip is only a temporary one, our respective families are already scattered all over the shop, so it's unlikely we'll be faced with this kind of issue.

My advice? Just go, no point living your life for others. You only get one shot at it, make the most of it.
 
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