Christmas question (boaty)

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longjohnsadler

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The only flares I have in my grab bag are a pair of burgundy-coloured crushed velvet disco pants which I bought in Kensington market circa 1970.
I am a bit worried that they won't fit me any more. Is this an appropriate way of alerting the coastguard, or should I be asking Santa for an upgrade?

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You should certainly have been through the dungaree stage between 1970 and now. Luckily your flares have come back into date so everything should be ok again. If it happens again, I am afraid that I will have to take it upon myself to call the fashion police to come aboard and carry out a spot inspection.

<hr width=100% size=1>Julian

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Spelling

You shouldn't confuse flares with flair. Ownership of one does not confer upon you the quality of the other.

For Christmas, therefore, you should ask for flair, a gift beyond price.

Flares, you should buy for yourself from Santa's Sea and Ship and Sail Supplies. And like every other swindler, sorry chandler, in the season of 'goodwill', he will not be giving them away.

<hr width=100% size=1><A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.writeforweb.com/twister1>Let's Twist Again</A>
 
Re: Me to

They alert the CG and vessels for ten miles around that I'm a retro twit.

Mine were elephant flares I suspect that we now need parachute flares which sound even wider to me an don't offer the colour range we once enjoyed. Just Red.

I might get mine in a slightly larger waist size.

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bad idea to have flares coming down the chimney, i would think. Unless they are parachute flares, which must be the most massive- the biggest i had was 24 inches, but i busted my bicycle clips onnem.

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Rubbish

Of couse you can get flares in different colours;

White = for when you need to attend a yacht club bash and preferably when a disco is organised so that you can do yur '70s John Tavollta impression. Also useful for keeping other dancers from colliding with you.

Green = for when you finally make passage to the Emerald Isle. These must be accompanied by green wellies. Stay clear of any military types as this often means "live firing" to them.

Pink = for seriously out of date flares (which I think yours may be).

Orange = Can be used in YC disco's but please be aware that if you start dancing to fast you are likely to generate large amounts of smoke which may go un-noticed by everyone except the DJ and the helicopter crew approaching from 30 deg off the wind.


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Anybody remember

Loon pants?

Not so much bell bottoms as bell all the way ups! These too came in orange crushed velvet.

Maybe they could be used in place of orange smokes - sort of floating on the surface and thus alerting aircraft to your plight.

Magic

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