Cheeky parrot joke

[BlueSkyNick]

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show.
"Look, it's not the same hat!" or
"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" or
"Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea with, and as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day... and then 2 days...and then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said......




"OK, I give up. Where's the f...ing ship?"

 

[orion21]

frog joke

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?

The bank manager looks back at her and says...



"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

 

[janeK]

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a
little perch.
It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, "Gjeesh, I wonder what happened to this Parrot?"

The Parrot responds, "I was born this way, I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guys says. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the Parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guys asks.
"Then answer this; how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

The Parrot responds, "Well, this is very embarrassing, but since you
asked, "I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook.
You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy.
"You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse
with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion,
sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology.

You really ought to buy me. I would be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssst".... said the Parrot, "truth is, nobody wants me 'cause I
don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with a parrot.

Weeks go by.
The Parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he' interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the Parrot goes,
"Psssssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing, "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately."

"WHAT???"
The guy asks incredulously. "Then what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and put his hands
under her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the Parrot.

"OH, NO!" he exclaims, "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nightie, began to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly........"

"WELL," demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED ???"

"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

 

[orion21]

LOL good joke, LOL /forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif

 

[BrendanS]

God asks Noah to step into his office.....and sez.: "I want a new ark,
Noah,.not just any ark though, I want it 20 decks high and this time I want
it filled with fish, not just any fish though, I want it filled with carp."
Noah "hmm... let me get this right,you want a new ark, 20 decks high and
filled with carp?"
"correct,"
Noah: "so what you're saying is,you want a multi storey carp ark." /forums/images/graemlins/crazy.gif

 

[jhr]

Groan!

Simon and Garth were two brothers who owned a dog called Walter. They also had a wealthy relative, their father's brother, who was driven around in a Rolls Royce, chauffeured by a very tall, broad-shouldered man. Unfortunately, they cold never take their dog with them when they went for a ride in the Rolls, because it used to get upset with the driver. Or, as the newspaper headline put it:

Simon and Garth's uncle's big Chauffeur troubled Walter /forums/images/graemlins/crazy.gif