jimi
Well-Known Member
My boat elf has died. I know cos my boat is messy, its bottom is foul and the bog stinks. What is the recommended procedure for a boat elf burial and wake? How do I get a good new one?
Boat elf burial
- Thread starter jimi
- Start date
Twister_Ken
Well-Known Member
Replace it with a boat ox. You'll have a gorgeous pout.
stevebirch2002
Well-Known Member
Have a look at the Russian websites...
www.russianboatelfdoesverything.ru
Or just google for Russian, East European partner wanted...
/forums/images/graemlins/cool.gif
www.russianboatelfdoesverything.ru
Or just google for Russian, East European partner wanted...
/forums/images/graemlins/cool.gif
ChrisE
Well-Known Member
I reckon that you'll be getting a visit soon from the, wait for it
wait for it
The Elf inspectors
I'll get my coat
wait for it
The Elf inspectors
I'll get my coat
FullCircle
Well-Known Member
Cant you get it done on the Nashernull Elf Servis?
sarabande
Well-Known Member
Do you have a full job specification available in triplicate ?
We are importers of the new All-porpoise boat elf from Poland (not to be confused with the Sleigh Elf from Lapland PLEASE).
Our company has been supplying to the boating gentry (yes, there are one or two left) for at least two years, and during that time we have built up an enviable and satisfied clientele.
However, we do find that, in a way reminiscent of the vogue for Scandinavian au pairs , some of our excellent staff whom we have placed in a marine environment, find that their diligence (a small carriage) and deportment (the ability to open doors) has been abused by their new owners.
For this reason, we now insist on a full and binding list of operational and executive tasks that the AP boat elf is expected to undertake. This must be written on the the back of a signed blank cheque, or other legally binding financial instrument, and deposited with us, prior to engagement.
We regret that this money is not refundable under any circumstances since, once the product, sorry, elf, has left our office, we are not able to control the circumstances under which s/he is likely to work, so cannot be held responsible for performance of said elf.
We also with to inform you that due to customer demand, we have recently started to stock a companion version, the Boat Safety Elf, which will monitor and control your boat systems and equipment for compliance with all known existing and future European legislation.
For the next ten days (or until the water goes down, whichever is sooner) we shall be offering a TWO for ONE purchase scheme, when you can buy both the elves together. Please add the words "Boat Elf and Safety Elf" to the base of your order to qualify for this remarkable one sin a lifetime chance.
We are importers of the new All-porpoise boat elf from Poland (not to be confused with the Sleigh Elf from Lapland PLEASE).
Our company has been supplying to the boating gentry (yes, there are one or two left) for at least two years, and during that time we have built up an enviable and satisfied clientele.
However, we do find that, in a way reminiscent of the vogue for Scandinavian au pairs , some of our excellent staff whom we have placed in a marine environment, find that their diligence (a small carriage) and deportment (the ability to open doors) has been abused by their new owners.
For this reason, we now insist on a full and binding list of operational and executive tasks that the AP boat elf is expected to undertake. This must be written on the the back of a signed blank cheque, or other legally binding financial instrument, and deposited with us, prior to engagement.
We regret that this money is not refundable under any circumstances since, once the product, sorry, elf, has left our office, we are not able to control the circumstances under which s/he is likely to work, so cannot be held responsible for performance of said elf.
We also with to inform you that due to customer demand, we have recently started to stock a companion version, the Boat Safety Elf, which will monitor and control your boat systems and equipment for compliance with all known existing and future European legislation.
For the next ten days (or until the water goes down, whichever is sooner) we shall be offering a TWO for ONE purchase scheme, when you can buy both the elves together. Please add the words "Boat Elf and Safety Elf" to the base of your order to qualify for this remarkable one sin a lifetime chance.
FullCircle
Well-Known Member
Have you thought about replacing the elf with a Goblin Teasmaid? Multi tasking, see?
Oliveoyl
Well-Known Member
Re: Polish boat elves
Yes, I would be delighted to accept your 2 for 1 offer. Please send me 3 pairs (shopping early for Christmas).
Just PM you bank details....
Yes, I would be delighted to accept your 2 for 1 offer. Please send me 3 pairs (shopping early for Christmas).
Just PM you bank details....
oldharry
Well-Known Member
Re: Polish boat elves
I think you need an Elf check before you do anything radical.
I think you need an Elf check before you do anything radical.
BlueSkyNick
Well-Known Member
[ QUOTE ]
How do I get a good new one?
[/ QUOTE ]
Just do it yours-elf.
How do I get a good new one?
[/ QUOTE ]
Just do it yours-elf.
Woodlouse
Well-Known Member
Elf yourself to a new one. /forums/images/graemlins/smirk.gif
As for burial, recommended procedure is to follow the Viking example. And burn it with the boat. You then say to the copper "I dunno 'ow it 'appened guv!" and you'll get a new elf and a new boat with it. Hurrah!
As for burial, recommended procedure is to follow the Viking example. And burn it with the boat. You then say to the copper "I dunno 'ow it 'appened guv!" and you'll get a new elf and a new boat with it. Hurrah!
boatmike
Well-Known Member
Sounds like a typical Elf and Softy problem to me...
oldharry
Well-Known Member
...all sounds a bit un-elfy to me, and lacking in elf-care.
Twister_Ken
Well-Known Member
>my boat is messy, its bottom is foul and the bog stinks<
Sounds like it takes after its owner.
Sounds like it takes after its owner.
ChrisE
Well-Known Member
Bloody hell Ken, is that avatar a picture of your new crew?
Twister_Ken
Well-Known Member
The avatar could form the basis of a guessing game.
bilbobaggins
N/A
[ QUOTE ]
my boat is messy, its bottom is foul and the bog stinks
[/ QUOTE ]
Rumour has it that a certain widow of this parish, the Lady Dowager JaneK, has recently acquired a whole range of useful skills and is now a dab hand with stinky bogs and fouled bottoms.
Perhaps a small note in the ‘AdultFriendFinder’ section of your local Parish Magazine…..?
“Grumpy old troll with neglected small ocean-going vessel seeks daily treasure to ‘do’ for him. Must have all own Personal Protective Equipment and with in-date certificate.”
Do let us know how you get on.
/forums/images/graemlins/laugh.gif
my boat is messy, its bottom is foul and the bog stinks
[/ QUOTE ]
Rumour has it that a certain widow of this parish, the Lady Dowager JaneK, has recently acquired a whole range of useful skills and is now a dab hand with stinky bogs and fouled bottoms.
Perhaps a small note in the ‘AdultFriendFinder’ section of your local Parish Magazine…..?
“Grumpy old troll with neglected small ocean-going vessel seeks daily treasure to ‘do’ for him. Must have all own Personal Protective Equipment and with in-date certificate.”
Do let us know how you get on.
/forums/images/graemlins/laugh.gif