powerskipper
Well-known member
/forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif
Anyone know any good jokes.NM
- Thread starter powerskipper
- Start date
Wiggo
New member
So Pauline walks into the bar at Mercury and orders a scotch with two drops of water in. Tcm notices her and wanders over and offers to buy her a drink. "Sure, " she says, "I'll have a scotch with a couple of drops of water, please."
This goes on for a while, when eventually Jimi's curiosity gets the better of his fear of buying a drink, and he wanders over for a chat. "So," he says, "what's with the 'two drops of water', then, Pauline?".
"Well," she says, "when you get to my age, you find you can hold your liquor OK, but holding your water's a whole different story..."
This goes on for a while, when eventually Jimi's curiosity gets the better of his fear of buying a drink, and he wanders over for a chat. "So," he says, "what's with the 'two drops of water', then, Pauline?".
"Well," she says, "when you get to my age, you find you can hold your liquor OK, but holding your water's a whole different story..."
jhr
Well-known member
"How does a woman hold her liquor"?
....er, on second thoughts, p'raps not...................... /forums/images/graemlins/blush.gif
....er, on second thoughts, p'raps not...................... /forums/images/graemlins/blush.gif
powerskipper
Well-known member
LOL /forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif /forums/images/graemlins/tongue.gif
muchy_
New member
A man goes for a job interview. The boss, happy with the applicant askes him if there is anything else he would like to say before he concludes the interview.
"Well, when I was a kid I had an accident and my testicules were torn off" the man said. "What you have no nuts" says the the boss. "No" says the man. "Well thats OK, it wont affect your work. You can start Monday. We start at eight and finish at five. Mind you, you might as well come in at ten because between eight and ten we just stand around scratching our bo**ocks"
"Well, when I was a kid I had an accident and my testicules were torn off" the man said. "What you have no nuts" says the the boss. "No" says the man. "Well thats OK, it wont affect your work. You can start Monday. We start at eight and finish at five. Mind you, you might as well come in at ten because between eight and ten we just stand around scratching our bo**ocks"
plombier
New member
What do you call a camel with four humps?
plombier
New member
A Saudi Quattro - I'll get my coat then.............
powerskipper
Well-known member
I don't know "what do you call a camel with 4 humps"
plombier
New member
Check my second post in this thread (knew I should have used lots of carriage returns like wot other do)
Perry
New member
Roy
New member
Doctor doctor....
A wee Glesga wumman goes into the doc an says -- Doc, A've goat shuger in ma water... fer sure! Doctor asked her 'And how do you know this to be the case?' She said , well doc, ah had candy floss in ma knickers this mornin!
A wee Glesga wumman goes into the doc an says -- Doc, A've goat shuger in ma water... fer sure! Doctor asked her 'And how do you know this to be the case?' She said , well doc, ah had candy floss in ma knickers this mornin!
AndCur
Member
Whos the Boss
>FORGET ABOUT DOCTORS, JUST FOLLOW THESE GUIDELINES.
>
>
>
>
>BODY MEETING
>All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who
>was the one in charge.
>
>
>"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's
>systems, so without me nothing would happen".
>
>
>"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen
>all over so without me you'd all waste away."
>
>
>"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and
>give all of you energy."
>
>
>"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body
>wherever it needs to go."
>
>
>"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to
>see where it goes."
>
>
>"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for
>waste removal."
>
>
>All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in
>a huff, he shut down tight.
>
>
>Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was
>bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was
>toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
>
>
>The Moral of the story?
>
>
>The [censored] is usually in charge.
>
>FORGET ABOUT DOCTORS, JUST FOLLOW THESE GUIDELINES.
>
>
>
>
>BODY MEETING
>All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who
>was the one in charge.
>
>
>"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's
>systems, so without me nothing would happen".
>
>
>"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen
>all over so without me you'd all waste away."
>
>
>"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and
>give all of you energy."
>
>
>"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body
>wherever it needs to go."
>
>
>"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to
>see where it goes."
>
>
>"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for
>waste removal."
>
>
>All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in
>a huff, he shut down tight.
>
>
>Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was
>bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was
>toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
>
>
>The Moral of the story?
>
>
>The [censored] is usually in charge.
>
nicho
Well-known member
Re: Doctor doctor....
Two guys were talking, when one said, "What would you do if you knew the World was going to end in five minutes?" "Oh, that's easy" said his mate "I'd sh#g everything that moved, what would you do?"
His friend replied....."I'd stand perfectly still...........!!!!! (a Billy Connolly joke)
Two guys were talking, when one said, "What would you do if you knew the World was going to end in five minutes?" "Oh, that's easy" said his mate "I'd sh#g everything that moved, what would you do?"
His friend replied....."I'd stand perfectly still...........!!!!! (a Billy Connolly joke)
BrendanS
Well-known member
No, but I received these today
I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. After I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room.
The ER nurse asked for my height and weight, and I blurted out, "Five-foot-eight, 125 pounds."
While the nurse pondered over this information, my mother leaned over to me.
"Sweetheart," she gently chided, "this is not the Internet."
=+=+=+=
A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it.
"Not Gutenberg?" gasped the collector.
"Yes, that was it!"
"You goober! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at auction for half a million dollars!"
"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied the man. =20
"It was scribbled all over in the margins by some clown named Martin Luther."
=+=+=+=
In California's Sonoma Valley, where vineyards cater to wine snobbery, a woman phoned the classified ad department of a newspaper. She offered for sale what sounded like "well-aged Caumeneur."
The ad-taker was unfamiliar with that particular wine, but was used to the infusion of French words into the local vocabulary.
"Could you please spell that?" she asked.
"You know," said the woman impatiently, "C-o-w M-a-n-u-r-e."
=+=+=+=
A prosecuting attorney just could not believe that a jury had found the defendant not guilty.
Astonished, he asked the jury foreman, "How could you possibly have found this man innocent?"
The foreman replied, "Insanity."
The perplexed prosecutor asked, "All twelve of you?"
=+=+=+=
My friend, the manager of a grocery store, nabbed a shoplifter in the act.
He was escorting the suspect to the office in the front, near the cash registers, when the shoplifter broke from his grip and tried to run away.
After a scuffle, my friend pinned him against the wall and looked up to see a number of surprised customers staring at him.
"Everything's fine, Folks," he reassured them.
"This guy just tried to go through the express line with more than nine items."
=+=+=+=
"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.
"Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle.
I am five feet, three inches tall and pleasingly plump. After I had a minor accident, my mother accompanied me to the emergency room.
The ER nurse asked for my height and weight, and I blurted out, "Five-foot-eight, 125 pounds."
While the nurse pondered over this information, my mother leaned over to me.
"Sweetheart," she gently chided, "this is not the Internet."
=+=+=+=
A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it.
"Not Gutenberg?" gasped the collector.
"Yes, that was it!"
"You goober! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at auction for half a million dollars!"
"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied the man. =20
"It was scribbled all over in the margins by some clown named Martin Luther."
=+=+=+=
In California's Sonoma Valley, where vineyards cater to wine snobbery, a woman phoned the classified ad department of a newspaper. She offered for sale what sounded like "well-aged Caumeneur."
The ad-taker was unfamiliar with that particular wine, but was used to the infusion of French words into the local vocabulary.
"Could you please spell that?" she asked.
"You know," said the woman impatiently, "C-o-w M-a-n-u-r-e."
=+=+=+=
A prosecuting attorney just could not believe that a jury had found the defendant not guilty.
Astonished, he asked the jury foreman, "How could you possibly have found this man innocent?"
The foreman replied, "Insanity."
The perplexed prosecutor asked, "All twelve of you?"
=+=+=+=
My friend, the manager of a grocery store, nabbed a shoplifter in the act.
He was escorting the suspect to the office in the front, near the cash registers, when the shoplifter broke from his grip and tried to run away.
After a scuffle, my friend pinned him against the wall and looked up to see a number of surprised customers staring at him.
"Everything's fine, Folks," he reassured them.
"This guy just tried to go through the express line with more than nine items."
=+=+=+=
"What am I supposed to do with this?" grumbled a motorist as the policeman handed him a speeding ticket.
"Keep it," the cop said, "when you collect four of them you get a bicycle.
BrendanS
Well-known member
but this is funny and totally true:
Some simultaneously funny and frightening reading is now available in the CompuServe Showbiz Forum, where the pitchfork brigade has come out to express its' displeasure over Michael Moore's win this week at the People's Choice Awards.
As you might expect, the pro-Moore response consists of coherent thoughts which are spelled properly and grammatically correctly
the anti-Moore response IS BY GOOD LOYAL AMERICANS WHO CANT BELEEVE THIS GARBAGE THAT THE LIBERELL CUMMUNIST HOMOS IN HOLLYWOOD ARE INFECTING OUR CHILDREN WITH AND OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST WILL SAVE US WHILE THEY ALL BURN IN A FIRERY LAKE IN HELL FOR BIENG COMMIES WHO DONT DESERVE TO LIVE IN THE GREATEST COUNTRY THAT JESUS EVER MADE AND F**K ALL THE DROWNED MUSLUMS IN INDIA COZ THERE ONLY WORTHLESS MUSLUM GARBAGE WHO ATTACKED OUR COUNTRY AND BUSH WON THE ELECTION SO F**K YOU AND GET OVER IT.
Some simultaneously funny and frightening reading is now available in the CompuServe Showbiz Forum, where the pitchfork brigade has come out to express its' displeasure over Michael Moore's win this week at the People's Choice Awards.
As you might expect, the pro-Moore response consists of coherent thoughts which are spelled properly and grammatically correctly
the anti-Moore response IS BY GOOD LOYAL AMERICANS WHO CANT BELEEVE THIS GARBAGE THAT THE LIBERELL CUMMUNIST HOMOS IN HOLLYWOOD ARE INFECTING OUR CHILDREN WITH AND OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST WILL SAVE US WHILE THEY ALL BURN IN A FIRERY LAKE IN HELL FOR BIENG COMMIES WHO DONT DESERVE TO LIVE IN THE GREATEST COUNTRY THAT JESUS EVER MADE AND F**K ALL THE DROWNED MUSLUMS IN INDIA COZ THERE ONLY WORTHLESS MUSLUM GARBAGE WHO ATTACKED OUR COUNTRY AND BUSH WON THE ELECTION SO F**K YOU AND GET OVER IT.
davedpc
New member
Why does a Woman rub Her eyes when she gets out of bed---------------------cuz She has no balls.. Dave.
DazedConfused
New member
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked you
at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on
cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear,
you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and
growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles
demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector
unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your
seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns
to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Only when he's been drinking."
at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on
cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear,
you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and
growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles
demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector
unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your
seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns
to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Only when he's been drinking."
Roy
New member
I'll drink to that.
An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney. the
view was fantastic, the beer excellent and the food exceptional, "but" said
the Scotsman, "I still prefer back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little
bar called McTavish's where they go out of their way for the locals.. so
much so that when you buy 4 drinks, they give you the 5th one free."
"Well", said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there
will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahh, that's nothing." said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin, there's
Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a
drink, then another...all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough
drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All this on the
house."
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's
claims. He swears every word is true.
"Well", said the Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you"?
"Not meself, personally. No," said the Irishman, "but it did happen to me
sister"!
.
An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney. the
view was fantastic, the beer excellent and the food exceptional, "but" said
the Scotsman, "I still prefer back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little
bar called McTavish's where they go out of their way for the locals.. so
much so that when you buy 4 drinks, they give you the 5th one free."
"Well", said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there
will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahh, that's nothing." said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin, there's
Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a
drink, then another...all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough
drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All this on the
house."
The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's
claims. He swears every word is true.
"Well", said the Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you"?
"Not meself, personally. No," said the Irishman, "but it did happen to me
sister"!
.
Captain Coochie
Active member
what do you call a packistani with an apple on his head ............... William PaTell