Amusing nautical quotes and cartoons

robmcg

robmcg

Well-Known Member
Joined
17 Sep 2006
Messages
1,886
Location
In exile in Scotland
Visit site
I have to do a presentation about the wonderful world of sailing and I would be grateful if anyone had any short funny quotes about sailing and/or any funny cartoons or photos illustrating the funny side of sailing. The presentation will be revolving around a 5 minute novices guide to sailing so anything about running aground, operating the heads, setting sails, avoiding collisions etc would be of use.
Any help very much appreciated /forums/images/graemlins/smile.gif
 
Beware low neap tides.

After travelling down to our boat for a sail as there was no wind decided that we would go for a motor instead, we had only been sailing and our own boat about 6 weeks.

We had a lovely trip up the river towards Maldon, then turned around and headed back past our mooring towards Osea.

After about an 1 1/2 hours of pootling we turned round and headed back to our mooring.

As we were approaching I asked swmo if the tide was low or had not risen very high on the sea wall. No idea came the reply as she did not take any notice of the tide height.

Staring intently at the water line and the bottom of the wall I thought sh!t and as we neared our mooring gunned the engine to give speed and we managed to plough the mud to end up between our mooring bouys.

With swmo asking for just a little more and she could reach the mooring, to which I replied would love to but we are stuck in the mud.

Fortunately the prop walk from gunning the o/b helped turn us in the mud so we could pick up the mooring bouys, tie up and make it back to the end of the pontoon with about an inch of water under the tender.

Swmo's only complaint was not wanting to be stuck until the next tide with out any wine aboard.

Lesson learned, don't go out if a neap tide and a low one at that.
 
With enough wind to blow a dog off it's chain and waves so high we lost sight of the 50 foot fractional rig to our port about 200 yards.

We decided it would be a good idea to reduce the the number 3 to a storm jib, the trusty forward hand made his way to the sharp end with waves breaking over bow, after a moment or two I looked up into the driving spray only to him lunging at his chest with a knife. Had he gone completely mad?

Seems the self inflating life jacket he was wearing UNDER his wet gear had inflated soon after he copped a good soaking from a breaking wave causing the thing to inflate. The pressure was preventing him from breathing and he had no way of getting to it to let the air out.

Sorry can't remember the origin.

Avagoodweekend......
 
Or there was the time I was Vasco on a race yacht - first outing of the season, and in the lead. "Are you sure we can get over the bank?" the owner asked. "Yep" I replied, "at least a metre to spare." Just as I said it we ground to an ungraceful halt. Turned out I was using last season's tide tables. I blamed the owner, too mean to have bought new tide tables during the winter.
 
This wont help you but I found it's association to your plight amusing.
I have just down loaded the complete maintenance and operators manual on the "Baby Blake" 60 pages in all.
I can only think if you where to read it all out to them they would all leave or fall asleep. /forums/images/graemlins/laugh.gif
But then again some words smith on here could possibly make it hilariously funny.
Far beyond me I'm afraid. /forums/images/graemlins/frown.gif
 
Two instances from many years ago on a racing/cruising boat, which although created a different smell but resulted in broadly similar visual results.

1. A person inexperienced in using the heads managed to block it and continued to pump in the hope of flushing the obstruction through. The attempt was unsuccessful and one of the regular(sorry) crew bravely volunteered to free it.

After releasing the jubilee clips on the outlet hose, the trapped contents exploded into the heads area, creating a foul stench which drove everyone out and made the volunteer vomit. For his pains he also got pebble-dashed with the hose contents which similarly covered the bulkhead walls and ceiling.

Moral of the story? Give precise instructions to new crew about using the heads especially the old adage ' don't put anything down the bog that ain't been ate'

2. A spaghetti bolognaise source was being pressure cooked for the evening meal on the same boat on another occasion, whilst on one of its club cruises, when it was realised that the contents of the cooker were possibly no longer sufficiently moist to continue steaming. I can't recall if the lid was disturbed but whatever the cause, there was another eruption and this time the galley and cabin were pebble-dashed with the very tasty sauce, which like the previous incident took a lot of cleaning up but in somewhat sweeter circumstances.

I just remembered another trip, when we were racing cross- channel in the JOG series, in a very vigorous Northerly, which sent us corkscrewing across the channel for hours towards Cherbourg.

One of the novice crew, first time out, was a pleasant young woman who obviously at some early stage in the race needed to urinate. That function was simply not possible in the conventional sense without risk of injury or fouling herself and she asked me what was to be done.

At that time I was sitting at the chart table trying to get an RDF fix(that dates me doesn't it?)and next to chart table was a solid s/s post- so I told her to get a bucket, undo her oilies and drop her pants- shove the bucket and oilies downwards as far as decency permitted and let rip, keeping a double handhold on said post.

She was desperate and did as I suggested and it was so successful, that she made at least another couple of return visits for a similar reason during the rest of the 12 + hour race.

After our return to Portsmouth at the end of the weekend- and the return trip was perfectly straightforward- we all said our goodbyes until the next time and I said to this young woman ' I shall never be able to look at a yellow plastic bucket again without thinking of you peeing by my right ear', and I never have!
 
We'd had a pleasant week of NE wind and fine weather. Arrived at Milford Haven by car ready to set off for Portsmouth the next day (a Friday!). Went to the marina office on the Friday morning, thinking that the weather looked like it was going to change. Picked up a photocopy of the 'Friday' forecast - continuing NE'lies - that's good!

So off we went. Weather deteriorated and we had a miserable
night of SW thick weather, real Bristol channel stuff. It continued to build and we got into St Ives next day, dropped the hook and spent 2 days gale bound, with the occasional anchor drag thrown in, didn't get ashore - a thoroughly miserable time. Anyway, it all ended well and we eventually got to Portsmouth. I couldn't understand what had happened to the forecast and it remained a puzzle.

About a month later I was pondering at the chart table and happened to look at the forecast photocopy again. Indeed it had been the Friday forecast when I collected it, but it had been 3 weeks out of date at the time! A very valuable lesson! /forums/images/graemlins/blush.gif
 
Saiing with a friend on an Oyster 47 (I think). Hot, all naturists so everyone naked.

Two members invited turned out rather anti social expecting to be waited on for meals etc.

One lying asleep on his back on a cockpit side seat knees tucked up, the other by his feet.

Suddenly the sleeper erupted with an impressive solid jet of vomit over his anti social companion.

Ill-hidden smiles all round.

Nobody else stirred to help.

Justice.
 
Thanks one and all for the amunition! It has become evident that my sailing experience thus far has not been so resplendent with comedy moments - I'll have to try harder before the end of the season!! Thanks again for your time in putting finger to keyboard, most appreciated. Rob /forums/images/graemlins/grin.gif
 
Here are a few quotes I always remember...

The time to take in a reef is when you first think of it. The time to let out a reef is after you've had a cup of tea.

You go cruising in order to repair your boat in nicer places.

The three most useless things on a boat are an umbrella stand, abilliard table and a naval officer.

When coming alongside: As slow as you can, as fast as you must.

Nothing goes to windward like a 747.

At sea, boring is good, exciting is bad.

A gentleman never sails to windward.

And of course the one I live by....
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Share this page

Top