Aja
Well-known member
Re: The Claymore Legacy (contd)
Do Mills & Boon pay royalties?
Donald
Do Mills & Boon pay royalties?
Donald
The Claymore Legacy
- Thread starter Sgeir
- Start date
jhr
Well-known member
Re: The Claymore Legacy (contd)
Come on Ken, admit it. You're Sylvie Krin, aren't you? /forums/images/graemlins/smile.gif
Come on Ken, admit it. You're Sylvie Krin, aren't you? /forums/images/graemlins/smile.gif
Twister_Ken
Well-known member
Re: The Claymore Legacy (contd)
Fitztightly hasn't yet made his entrance.
Fitztightly hasn't yet made his entrance.
jimi
Well-known member
Re: The Claymore Legacy (contd)
As the long shadows crept towards a short summer west highland night, the Pope and his friend Marty Bormann were huddled over the glowing embers of a brassiere in a small lodge close to Dunstuffin's estate. They were trying to toast some marshmallows but they kept faliing off the toasting fork and falling in the fire. "Sod this for a game of stormtroopers!" said the Pope as he cracked open anither can of Tennents, "Lets go and poach some salmon."
As the long shadows crept towards a short summer west highland night, the Pope and his friend Marty Bormann were huddled over the glowing embers of a brassiere in a small lodge close to Dunstuffin's estate. They were trying to toast some marshmallows but they kept faliing off the toasting fork and falling in the fire. "Sod this for a game of stormtroopers!" said the Pope as he cracked open anither can of Tennents, "Lets go and poach some salmon."
Sgeir
Well-known member
Re: The Claymore Legacy (contd)
"Your Lordship, it seems we've a had quite a lot of replies to your invitations."
"Never mind the expense Para man, chust make sure we haff another bottle of sherry in the cupbpoard", replied Lord Claymore.
"Your Lordship, it seems we've a had quite a lot of replies to your invitations."
"Never mind the expense Para man, chust make sure we haff another bottle of sherry in the cupbpoard", replied Lord Claymore.
tcm
...
Re: The Claymore Legacy (contd)
Para went pale. "I do remeber distinctly advising your Lordship against too-widely advertising the forthcoming celebrations..."
Para went pale. "I do remeber distinctly advising your Lordship against too-widely advertising the forthcoming celebrations..."
Sgeir
Well-known member
Re: The Claymore Legacy (contd)
Lord Claymore face contorted with rage; "And whit the hell d'ye mean 'too-widely advertising'?
"I tellt ye to chust put a wee postcard in Mrs Webcraft's post office windae in Balvicar, ye gormless git, ye."
Lord Claymore face contorted with rage; "And whit the hell d'ye mean 'too-widely advertising'?
"I tellt ye to chust put a wee postcard in Mrs Webcraft's post office windae in Balvicar, ye gormless git, ye."
machurley22
New member
Re: The Claymore Legacy (contd)
"Jings, crivvens, help ma boab" cringed Para, quivering in the arctic cold.
"There's been a dreadful misunderstandin' your Lordship! Mr Webcraft has placed your announcement in his shop window and it's accessed daily by the search engine of choice of 5 billion computers."
"Jings, crivvens, help ma boab" cringed Para, quivering in the arctic cold.
"There's been a dreadful misunderstandin' your Lordship! Mr Webcraft has placed your announcement in his shop window and it's accessed daily by the search engine of choice of 5 billion computers."
Sgeir
Well-known member
Re: The Claymore Legacy (contd)
"More bad news I'm afraid, m'Lord", trembled Para Handy. "There's a Mr Wallace Arnold on the telephone, and he's after wanting to know what reception arrangements have been made for his charabancs, and their drivers and postillions.
"More bad news I'm afraid, m'Lord", trembled Para Handy. "There's a Mr Wallace Arnold on the telephone, and he's after wanting to know what reception arrangements have been made for his charabancs, and their drivers and postillions.
Sgeir
Well-known member
Re: The Claymore Legacy (contd)
"Ach weel, there's nothing for it, Para my guid man. We'll chust have to concede defeat, but we'll make it difficult for them. Instead of saying we'll meet at the Tigh an Truish at Atlantic Bridge on Seil, at eight o'clock, we'll call it the House of the Tumbling Trousers, by the Clachan Bridge at 20:00 hrs on 29th June. That'll confuse 'em.
"They'll no ken whaur we are, see! Now awa' down and put that new card back intae the post office windae."
His Lordship turned away, and gazed wistfully through his new double glazed Eberspacher conservatory. His two new gazebos were peacefully grazing in the garden. "Aye, weel, such contentment. but, as we know, round every channel bend lurks a hidden rock."
"Ach weel, there's nothing for it, Para my guid man. We'll chust have to concede defeat, but we'll make it difficult for them. Instead of saying we'll meet at the Tigh an Truish at Atlantic Bridge on Seil, at eight o'clock, we'll call it the House of the Tumbling Trousers, by the Clachan Bridge at 20:00 hrs on 29th June. That'll confuse 'em.
"They'll no ken whaur we are, see! Now awa' down and put that new card back intae the post office windae."
His Lordship turned away, and gazed wistfully through his new double glazed Eberspacher conservatory. His two new gazebos were peacefully grazing in the garden. "Aye, weel, such contentment. but, as we know, round every channel bend lurks a hidden rock."
tcm
...
Sgeir
Well-known member
The Claymore Legacy: a formal event
Court & Social
July 28, 2006
Court circular
BUCKINGHAM PALACE
July 27: By command of The Queen, Lord Claymore (Marishel-at-Arms for Blackjack and Sudoku in the County of Argyll) called upon The Princess Royal, this morning in order to wish her safe passage on her forthcoming cruise. Lord Claymore was accompanied by Count von Eberspächer of the IKEA Foundation.
July 27: The Duke of York, Special Representative for International Trade and Investment, today carried out engagements in Tajikistan.
The Duke of York this afternoon attended a Lunch with the Governor of Jimi. The Duke of York afterwards opened Sworde-Teppa English Language Centre, Kurgan-Tube.
Court & Social
July 28, 2006
Court circular
BUCKINGHAM PALACE
July 27: By command of The Queen, Lord Claymore (Marishel-at-Arms for Blackjack and Sudoku in the County of Argyll) called upon The Princess Royal, this morning in order to wish her safe passage on her forthcoming cruise. Lord Claymore was accompanied by Count von Eberspächer of the IKEA Foundation.
July 27: The Duke of York, Special Representative for International Trade and Investment, today carried out engagements in Tajikistan.
The Duke of York this afternoon attended a Lunch with the Governor of Jimi. The Duke of York afterwards opened Sworde-Teppa English Language Centre, Kurgan-Tube.
Twister_Ken
Well-known member
Due to inclement weather associated with a shortfall in the seasonal arrival of centigrades, Lord Claymore, chief of the McFisheries clan, has reluctantly announced that within his baliwick kilt/trews changeover day has been brought forward from the first odd numbered Thursday of September to the beginning of the grouse slaughtering season.
Traditionally, wearing of the kilt has been optional during officially-recognised midgedays (shown by flying a pair of black balls from his Lordship's turret) but to compensate for the shortened kilt season this privilege has been discontinued for this year only. His Lordship's manservant, Fitztightly, has arranged extra supplies of soothing salve for the midge-afflicted, and has offered to apply it personally.
Lord Claymore's press spokesperson, Fiona Bangs-Cox, said that his Lordship, in consultation with his trusted old retainer, Jock Strapp, had concluded that scrotal frostbite was - this year - more likely to be a problem for the clansmen than ballbite. She added that the situation would be reviewed "if it stopped fecking raining for mair than eighteen consecutive minutes."
The Bishop of Bruichladdich has approved the announcement.
Traditionally, wearing of the kilt has been optional during officially-recognised midgedays (shown by flying a pair of black balls from his Lordship's turret) but to compensate for the shortened kilt season this privilege has been discontinued for this year only. His Lordship's manservant, Fitztightly, has arranged extra supplies of soothing salve for the midge-afflicted, and has offered to apply it personally.
Lord Claymore's press spokesperson, Fiona Bangs-Cox, said that his Lordship, in consultation with his trusted old retainer, Jock Strapp, had concluded that scrotal frostbite was - this year - more likely to be a problem for the clansmen than ballbite. She added that the situation would be reviewed "if it stopped fecking raining for mair than eighteen consecutive minutes."
The Bishop of Bruichladdich has approved the announcement.
ParaHandy
Active member
Re: The Claymore Legacy: a formal event
Extract from The Times Court column for July 27
His Lordship, the Muckle Claymore of Claymore, strode over and introduced hissel to the Princess Royal. Hersel, not having met his Grace afore noo, passed him by and offered her hand to his Lordship's manservant Jimi who is a very short person indeed. Her Highness wus bent double tae reach him. His Grace wizznae awfy pleased at haeing Her Highness's bum thrust at him and remarked that it looked like a deid heat in a zeppelin contest.
Extract from The Times Court column for July 27
His Lordship, the Muckle Claymore of Claymore, strode over and introduced hissel to the Princess Royal. Hersel, not having met his Grace afore noo, passed him by and offered her hand to his Lordship's manservant Jimi who is a very short person indeed. Her Highness wus bent double tae reach him. His Grace wizznae awfy pleased at haeing Her Highness's bum thrust at him and remarked that it looked like a deid heat in a zeppelin contest.
claymore
Well-known member
Re: The Claymore Legacy: a formal event
A confusion descended upon the court and its assembled inhabitants at this apparent sleight upon his goodself, the noble Claymore. Being a man of decent breeding with a fine leg to boot - he said very little and twas well this was so. her Royalship then turned back to the Claymore and spoke thus - Claysie my ageing poltroon - think you not strange that I should appear to prefer this stunted one to your divine self?
You know how fond both I and my rather delectable offspring are of dumb animals - that is all this was - a show of affection for the afflicted.
A slow smile spread over the craggy features of the Claymore - his piercing blue eyes which could light the very heavens, danced as the waters on the azure lochs of his hameland, and taking the delicate hand of her majesty gently within his great paw of a hand he kissed her tenderly on her upturned and willing button of a nose
A confusion descended upon the court and its assembled inhabitants at this apparent sleight upon his goodself, the noble Claymore. Being a man of decent breeding with a fine leg to boot - he said very little and twas well this was so. her Royalship then turned back to the Claymore and spoke thus - Claysie my ageing poltroon - think you not strange that I should appear to prefer this stunted one to your divine self?
You know how fond both I and my rather delectable offspring are of dumb animals - that is all this was - a show of affection for the afflicted.
A slow smile spread over the craggy features of the Claymore - his piercing blue eyes which could light the very heavens, danced as the waters on the azure lochs of his hameland, and taking the delicate hand of her majesty gently within his great paw of a hand he kissed her tenderly on her upturned and willing button of a nose
Twister_Ken
Well-known member
Re: The Claymore Legacy: a formal event
After the vision of pulchritrude had departed his Lairdship's commodious and well-appointed great cabin (we shall, delicately, not enquire what might delights may have been partaken, within) Baroness Norma Sgrate-Knowse, Lady-in-Waiting to her delicious majesty, returned to the good ship to enquire whether the royal reading spectacles may have been left there.
"Aye, I ate ra boogers" replied a wee, smirking, red dwarf. True enough, one sidepiece from the blessed glasses was still dangling from his lips. "And I'm saving this bit. S'just ra richt size for getting ra wax oot of ma ears."
After the vision of pulchritrude had departed his Lairdship's commodious and well-appointed great cabin (we shall, delicately, not enquire what might delights may have been partaken, within) Baroness Norma Sgrate-Knowse, Lady-in-Waiting to her delicious majesty, returned to the good ship to enquire whether the royal reading spectacles may have been left there.
"Aye, I ate ra boogers" replied a wee, smirking, red dwarf. True enough, one sidepiece from the blessed glasses was still dangling from his lips. "And I'm saving this bit. S'just ra richt size for getting ra wax oot of ma ears."
ParaHandy
Active member
The postman arrives ...
There was a loud banging on the door and a servant dressed in the livery of the Argyle & Dagenham girls pipe band appeared bearing a single white envelope on a silver platter. "Which o' youse gits orra hus lordship, the muckle claymore?" His lordship being occupied on his throne, the wee red dwarf snatched the envelope and steamed it open. It was an invitation to the summer ball at Balmoral Castle. Being of a quick wit, the wee dwarf plucked a pencil from ahent his ears and altered the invitation to read "Her Majesty requests the pleasure of His Lordship with the Bummer Balls" and resealed the envelope.
Eventually, his Muckleness reappeared stuffing his grundies back into his breeks, and his piercing blue eyes espied the letter. Picking it up, he carefully fondled the white parchment, feeling the brazen embossing and read the missive. "A guid yin this, no? jist ra job wi' ma tackle."
Over the next little while, his lordship pondered long over what garments he should wear to enhance the attributes which had attracted her majesty. A little prosthetic help and the whole could be stuffed in a cod piece under a pair of lycra tights. Satisfied with his efforts, his lairdship took to his bunk to conserve his energy fer the big day.
There was a loud banging on the door and a servant dressed in the livery of the Argyle & Dagenham girls pipe band appeared bearing a single white envelope on a silver platter. "Which o' youse gits orra hus lordship, the muckle claymore?" His lordship being occupied on his throne, the wee red dwarf snatched the envelope and steamed it open. It was an invitation to the summer ball at Balmoral Castle. Being of a quick wit, the wee dwarf plucked a pencil from ahent his ears and altered the invitation to read "Her Majesty requests the pleasure of His Lordship with the Bummer Balls" and resealed the envelope.
Eventually, his Muckleness reappeared stuffing his grundies back into his breeks, and his piercing blue eyes espied the letter. Picking it up, he carefully fondled the white parchment, feeling the brazen embossing and read the missive. "A guid yin this, no? jist ra job wi' ma tackle."
Over the next little while, his lordship pondered long over what garments he should wear to enhance the attributes which had attracted her majesty. A little prosthetic help and the whole could be stuffed in a cod piece under a pair of lycra tights. Satisfied with his efforts, his lairdship took to his bunk to conserve his energy fer the big day.
Twister_Ken
Well-known member
As the autumn equinox fades into memory...
...and the first snow flurries whipped around the gray gray halls of home, his Lord, Claymore of that ilk, contemplated the arrangements for his 93rd winter in the Highlands.
He'd learned from long experience that only the hardiest of the breed could be expected to survive a winter at Dunstuffin Castle. It was not so much the extremes of temperature (-5 in the Great Hall, with the fires burning, -23 in the turret bedchambers even with an obliging highland lassie by your side and a wolfhound keeping your feet warm). No, it was the endless recounting of tired tales that drove his winter guests madder than a mullah on methodone.
To hear wee Jimi's 93rd repetition of the greatest work of Rabbie Burns, Ode to the Clydesdale Bank, was a real disincentive. As were Parahandy's endless mumblings about Great Fish Wot I Have Caught. And, he hated to admit, his own mythology about members of the Royal Family and their fascination with his gnarled old todger.
No, this year would have to be different, if he we were to attract a smattering of glitteratti to his fastness. The band of the 91st Royal Scots Halbardiers was no longer a big enough draw, strapping and open-minded lads though they may have been.
What, he pondered, could he find in the way of a compelling reason for minor royals and major c-grade celebrities to mince north of the M25? Why, he might even have to crack open the strongroom, and liberate a groat or two.
...and the first snow flurries whipped around the gray gray halls of home, his Lord, Claymore of that ilk, contemplated the arrangements for his 93rd winter in the Highlands.
He'd learned from long experience that only the hardiest of the breed could be expected to survive a winter at Dunstuffin Castle. It was not so much the extremes of temperature (-5 in the Great Hall, with the fires burning, -23 in the turret bedchambers even with an obliging highland lassie by your side and a wolfhound keeping your feet warm). No, it was the endless recounting of tired tales that drove his winter guests madder than a mullah on methodone.
To hear wee Jimi's 93rd repetition of the greatest work of Rabbie Burns, Ode to the Clydesdale Bank, was a real disincentive. As were Parahandy's endless mumblings about Great Fish Wot I Have Caught. And, he hated to admit, his own mythology about members of the Royal Family and their fascination with his gnarled old todger.
No, this year would have to be different, if he we were to attract a smattering of glitteratti to his fastness. The band of the 91st Royal Scots Halbardiers was no longer a big enough draw, strapping and open-minded lads though they may have been.
What, he pondered, could he find in the way of a compelling reason for minor royals and major c-grade celebrities to mince north of the M25? Why, he might even have to crack open the strongroom, and liberate a groat or two.
claymore
Well-known member
Re: As the autumn equinox fades into memory...
Just as he was sat in quiet contemplation of the impending winter a letter was brought to him by MacInvercockaleekie, the faithful family retainer. Covered in dewdrops from the latters nose, this missive raised the very heart of the great man.
He found a summons - not the usual sort, all bills had been paid the previous month due to run of luck on the blackjack tables at the new Oban Supercasino - but a summons to the Blackpool and Fleetwood Yacht club, on a date which could not be disclosed for security reasons, where his hearts delight, the Princess Royal - WeeAnnie as he was fondly wont to call her - would be paying a visit to mark the Centenary of that once great club....
At once he was of a fluster and sent for MacEcclefecker with a mind to having some smalls laundered in readiness for the event. If only he knew the date.....
Just as he was sat in quiet contemplation of the impending winter a letter was brought to him by MacInvercockaleekie, the faithful family retainer. Covered in dewdrops from the latters nose, this missive raised the very heart of the great man.
He found a summons - not the usual sort, all bills had been paid the previous month due to run of luck on the blackjack tables at the new Oban Supercasino - but a summons to the Blackpool and Fleetwood Yacht club, on a date which could not be disclosed for security reasons, where his hearts delight, the Princess Royal - WeeAnnie as he was fondly wont to call her - would be paying a visit to mark the Centenary of that once great club....
At once he was of a fluster and sent for MacEcclefecker with a mind to having some smalls laundered in readiness for the event. If only he knew the date.....
Twister_Ken
Well-known member
Re: As the autumn equinox fades into memory...
Scrotum, his Lordship's wrinkled old retainer, coughed discretely, bobbing up and down a little as he did so.
"And will yer Lordship be requiring yer baggy troosers for this event, m'lord? It'd nae do tae greet her Royal Fragrantness with yer nether garments looking like a bell tent in a gale."
Scrotum, as usual, had a tight grip on Lord Claymore's best interests.
Scrotum, his Lordship's wrinkled old retainer, coughed discretely, bobbing up and down a little as he did so.
"And will yer Lordship be requiring yer baggy troosers for this event, m'lord? It'd nae do tae greet her Royal Fragrantness with yer nether garments looking like a bell tent in a gale."
Scrotum, as usual, had a tight grip on Lord Claymore's best interests.
